Dash of Sass: ENOUGH
“Why wasn’t I enough for him?”
I can’t tell you how many times that was the cry of my heart…all within the bounds of one relationship…because I chose for years to stand there waiting for someone to look at me and actually SEE me. To love me. To treat me like I was ENOUGH. When really, he was the one who was lacking. Lacking in depth. Lacking in character. Lacking in honesty. Lacking in integrity. I thought I wasn’t enough for him when the truth was…he wasn’t enough for me.
He never was.
Some guys prefer to take the easy route with girls who become what they think a man wants them to be rather than celebrate their own unique spirit. Girls who never challenge or push them or inspire them to be more. Girls they can wade into the shallow end of love with rather than plunge into the wild, untamed depths of ferocious, fierce, fearless passion.
These men will never understand women like us. Women who love with all our heart, mind, body, and soul. Women who refuse to settle for mediocre but hold out for magical. Women who believe that love should never be average or lukewarm or just “okay” but life-changing and earth-shaking and boundary-breaking.
Women like us may stay single for awhile longer, as it takes a special man to handle everything that we are. Because to make ourselves less in order to be pleasing to a man is simply not something we are willing to do.
Read more about how I went from “why wasn’t I enough for him?” to “he simply wasn’t enough for me” in my new book Beautiful Uncertainty.
That’s rich. And has my name written all over it, hehe! But day by day, I am learning to embrace it rather than fight or deny it.
Amen! Exactly how I feel
Sadly I am going through this right now. I have been told that being involved with me is too complicated. Yet still I hope that he might see me differently. How long is too long to wait?!?
I’d like to know the answer to that too
The right person will not think you’re complicated at all! The right person will embrace every unique aspect of you that makes you beautiful and the right person for them. I haven’t found my Mr. Right yet either, but been down this road with an obviously Mr. Wrong on/off for 10 years, hoping he’d “see the light”. I finally realized if he can’t see what he has in front of him right now…goodbye. One more day closer to finding the right one.
It took 3 years for me to completely gave up on him and realized to have nobody is better than having someone who is abusive and serial liar.
I know how you feel. This happened to me a few weeks ago and girl let me tell. Do not waste your time.
it was good while it lasted, you had fun, you lived and learn and now it’s time to move on. He does not deserve you. It’s him – he is either not ready for you or he cannot offer you what you deserve.
Don’t take it personal
I’m no expert, just life experiences….but if he isn’t willing to be with you right now then I would not wait. At all.
Move on. Don’t wait. He is not big enough for what you have to offer. Staying involved or hoping he changes his mind will destroy your self worth. Men are straight forward…he told you what HE wants. Now just believe him.
Sadly? Chin up beautiful…you’re worth more than what he was willing to give! The wait is OVER. It’s time for you to clear the doorway to your heart for the man who doesn’t think you’re a Rubik’s Cube, complicated.
Dear, the moment you realized you were waiting is the moment you must start to heal and accept that waiting for any length of time is doing a disservice to yourself.
You’ll increase the amount of hurt, the amount of time invested in questioning your self-worth, and you’ll ache as long as you’re willing to excise his shortcomings instead of championing yourself. Don’t wait any longer. Look at yourself and revel in everything that makes you mighty, everything that makes you beautiful, and build up what he tried to tear down.
Everything my “ex” said was a flaw, I now love, and I’m thankful to God that if kept him away.
I have been heart broken even my soul was taken away from me. I have been with a guy who is separated from his wife… while we were together he said that he will divorce her… promises and false hopes… til after 3 years he suddenly “out of reach”… from talking 30x a day it went down to 2 greetings evey 2 to 3 days…we have not talked for almost 8 mos since the last time I saw him… just recently he said why he broke up with me…. all the blame was on me… Im in huge pain and I feel so worthless….
It has been suggested that perhaps I should “tone it down” if I want to get a man. Yeeeeeeah that’s not happening. There will be no toning down:)
I agree with you girl! 100%
This happened to me this year. Silly me, I didn’t even see it coming. I am so tired of being alone and lonely. I haven’t met anyone willing to stick around and I’m no spring chicken. I feel as though my time is running out…
Me, too! I agree with everything you just wrote.
I know that feeling. I Too Am Lonely And No Spring Chicken But Willing To Love And Give My All But Only To That Awesome Deserving Man. Good luck
Melanie, I understand & relate. Our hurt is deep, does it ever go away or just get covered up by layers… of time? It does matter, time, age, and at some point we can feel it has become too late, we may have turned that proverbial corner and nothing, no one’s left to have. And why is it the ones we avoid chase us more? Settling for them isn’t winning, so I guess we can turn to God to ask why we’re stuck.
Please never forget that your time will come and God has a plan. My friend once told me “You want to make God laugh,…plan something.” That put things into perspective for me. We know what we want and when we want it but that does not mean that we are ready for it. You are more than enough and we must all have unwavering faith that this will pass and all be a faint memory when “the one” enters our life. You are in my prayers.
This made me cry, because someone finally put my own story into words, words which I, myself, have been unable to pen for the effects of years of hurt, feelings of unworthiness, lonliness, confusion over why, how, and when…. so thank you, Mandy. As I lie in my bed with my dog at 8 p.m. on yet another of the hundreds of Saturday nights spent alone, watching the Sex in the City movie for the hundredth time, this came at just the right moment. Between you and Carrie, maybe, just maybe, there’s hope at 42 for me, yet. xoxo
I am still reeling from a man that left me for a 20 something(he is 50, I am 44) and I am tired of men cheating on me and leaving me. It’s tiring.
I’ve been the chick trying to do whatever for a man who will never appreciate it. I’m single now because I refuse to change to someone else’s ideal woman but. instead be ideal for the right guy for who am. I ok with being single until he comes because I don’t have the energy to fight the losing battle of trying to be the right woman for the wrong man.
I can so relate. In my last relationship he told me that I would always be single because I think I’m to good and better than everyone else. Reasoning is because I used to drink and told him that I didn’t want to anymore and wanted to better myself in my walk with Christ. So just because I didn’t want to drink with him or not have any more alcohol he said I was stuck up and thought I was better than him. I never said that and just wanted to start being better than who I was the day before and to be pleasing unto the Lord. Well, about a month after we went our separate ways he calls me wanted to talk again. Well…well….I have continued to move forward and be pleasing unto the Lord, my husband!
I have been through all this myself. I embrace my singlewood I don’t see any prob about it. I’ve been abused physically emotionally and financially because someone was not good enough for me. I say to women let it go if is not for keeps let it go. I did and I have achieved a lot since. Let it go!
Finally it all makes sense now….describes exactly how it is right now.
This is my life. Though I have come to accept that I am too much for some men but I will be just right for the right man. Never lessen yourself to please someone that is not willing to accept you for ALL you are – sass and all.
this is your life! this is my life! we need to respect ourselves and live the live we deserve. I deserve more and someone better!
The right one, the real love, will never be able to have enough of you.
Thank you so much Mandy! I re-blogged this. A message many people need to hear. I so thought this guy I recently parted ways with was THE one. Even with what seemed to be signs & confirmations. He turned on me & shattered my heart. But by God’s great Love & Grace I am healing. And your writing helps me so very much. ❤️ You rock – can’t wait for us all to meet that special man we know is coming your way one sweet day.
Thanks Bonnie. Ditto. I was not prepared for how this shattered me emotionally and spiritually after just a few short months! I’m a strong faithful believer who had waited over five years even to DATE since there were no strong believers to date! Ugh. God is always good though, so I know He has plans to use this experience too.
The biggest realization I knew but didn’t want to see was that He wasn’t good enough for me. Maybe because i believed in his potential that he didn’t see in or for himself. I tried to inspire and motivate him to want more and better in life, which was me… Which was US. But he didn’t he chose her for reasons unknown. Which plague my mind trying to figure out why her and not me? But when I analyzed the things I wanted and needed from a man he didn’t fit the description. After all these years of holding other men to this list and denying them access to my life, I had to stay true to self put love aside and hold the love of my life to the same standards as the others. Unfortunately he didn’t meet them and for the 1st time in 8on and off years I seen him and us for what it is, NOTHING! I let go of the fear of never finding another “him” again and became confident that I will eventually meet the HIM I deserve… To whom I would have him questioning if He was Enough for a woman like me!
Love this! Explains exactly what I’m going through right now but I’m letting him go so I can make room for the right man. Thanks, Mandy Hale!
I’m also trying to recover from a horrible relationship. He lied the whole time. So did his family. I was convinced that I was the one, but he had a girlfriend the entire time. They just got engaged last month, when I was still dating him. I feel so embarrassed and stupid. There were so many red flags. 9 months of lies.
Another excellent, spot-on, anointed post. Thank you Sister Mandy for speaking the hearts and minds of many women. Happy New Year!! I’m Ready 2016!!
Wow- this is a much needed discussion, especially for single women. I too have heard the phrase “You are not good enough” or “You are not who I thought you were” ….. (whatever) I’ve realized that broken people will do their best to drag you down because they are broken. It has nothing to do with you not being enough or you not meeting their standards, but it is more of they not feeling whole themselves. We have to let it go, work thru the pain.. but grow and learn from all experiences.
I was told I was too independent, too strong, too ambitious and not content with my career because I wanted to pursue my masters, I was cheated on and I was close to believing his words, I started to feed into his nonsense but I thank God for always having my back and bringing me back to reality. Love can surely be blinding. I was vulnerable and I was seeking for validation in the wrong places( him). He has insecurities and he is still dealing with them and had control issues. I look back and before I would sit and regret the time I invested into the relationship but this year I decided to be thankful to God for the lessons learnt , that experience reinforced the fact that when you love yourself with all your heart and have the best relationship with yourself, everything else will fall into place and will not be complicated. You will not need validation from anyone else but God and yourself. I may be too Much of a woman and may have not been good enough for him , but at least I am happy to be me, unapologetically me. The right man the perfect man for me will fit into my puzzle 🙂 don’t settle ladies!
Thank you for always reminding me that I’m more than enough for him.
It’s been a roller coaster ride for the last 2 years and articles like this makes me realize that I definitely made the right decision not to settle for anything less than what I deserve.
I ‘m glad to hear and read that I’m not the only one who is feeling like this right not. Unappreciated, unloved, alone, no one cares, abandoned, left by the way side. I could go on, but I can tell you that I know God is with me all through my journey and I can trust HIM in all ways, I know I can be a good partner to some one, but no one wants to, so I decided that I deserve the very best in a man and relationship and God will provide.
Hello Miss Mandy! Your books are empowering. I couldn’t express how I am in awe of your work. Every word simply hits the depths of my heart. I have been constantly debating, questioning myself why I am not enough, or if I was more than enough why would someone hurt me in a way that I know I’ll never deserve. Thank you for all the beautiful words Mandy! You’ll never know how you keep someone believe that maybe, someday somehow they’ll be able to realize that they are so much more than what they think they are and that they deserve more than what they settle for.
I used to be here. I had a male best friend I started a FWB relationship with, and inadvertently, we both ended up catching feelings but birth had doubts that the relationship should progress. I wanted to talk about it, but he wanted to avoid it and so he got in a relationship with another girl. But for another 10 months he kept battling with himself on if he should be with me or not, and I kept battling with myself on if I should wait on him or not. I knew he was taking the easy way out with this girl and hoped that he would see sense, but it never happened, and it hurt me deeply that he never allowed for us to just talk about it fully. Eventually I moved on, and I’m now with my boyfriend who I love dearly and plan to marry someday. But even then, the unresolved issues with the other guy still bothered me, and recently he decided to add me on IG. So I had to message him then that I needed an explanation. About a month has gone by but miraculously he finally gave me one, and I have to say it made me feel so light afterwards for it to finally be confirmed by him that it wasn’t me. That it wasn’t that I wasn’t enough but rather that he believed being with me would destroy our friendship which he highly cherished. But trying to avoid it, he caused we feared to actually come into fruition. And he apologized for his past behavior and mistakes. It was my way of finding closure and I’m so very thankful foot it. I pray that you too find closure one day
I was in a relationship for 12 years of my life, from 14 yrs. old to 26! He was the love of my life. I’d do anything for him but he didn’t appreciate me. It was when I came to know God and His love that I knew I had to end it and so I did. Sometimes I think if that was the best thing for me to do. I say that because I never gave myself the opportunity to be my own person. I was who he wanted me to be and at times that wasn’t even enough. So imagine what I went through when it ended. I literally felt like a baby being born again! I had to start learning things about myself and that’s not the easy! It’s probably been a little over 5 year maybe even 6 since it’s ended and I’m not going to lie there are moments when I do think of him. But not the thoughts that I once had when it was still a fresh wound. But I was this girl who thought that I wasn’t enough for him but it was the complete opposite he wasn’t enough for me. I can be bitter about it and maybe once upon a time I was but I know God has someone somewhere out there just for me. I truly truly believe it. Thank you for letting me share!
This has spoken to me so much.
I am going through a recent break up and my constant thought is “why wasn’t I good enough?”
In the beginning of our relationship, I dove in headfirst. I’m an all or nothing kind of gal. But he was reluctant. And he constantly wasn’t sure of it. I should’ve known then he wasn’t the one for me; my passion and fearlessness regarding love was too much for him.
Reading this has made me see that. Thank you!
My boyfriend just broke up with me this week and I’ve been desperately searching for something to help soothe the hurt (you forget at 30 how bad break ups really are), OMG I can’t even tell you how I needed to read this today. I’m new to this blog as of 20 minutes ago and I’m amazed already!
Im struggling with this right now. I am more angry at myaelf for allowimg this man to make me feel like I wasnt good enough for the better part of a year. Yesterday was the last straw, when he confirmed to see me, just to come up with a lame excuse as to why he had to cancel. I was livid and now, Ive just had enough. No going bac, nothing. It doesnt however help to answer the question of why we allow men to make us feel like we are not good enough when we know we are. Im going to have to work on that