Dash of Sass: Real Love is Never Halfway There
Dealing with “in-between” people…it’s exhausting, isn’t it? They never let you know where you stand with them…they give you just enough of their attention and time to keep you on their hook but yet they still swim free…they disappear for weeks and even months on end but manage to come around just frequently enough to keep you from moving on. For them, it’s a win-win…no real commitment required, all the perks of a significant other without the responsibilities, and they have someone 100% devoted to their 50% effort.
But for you…it’s a lose-lose. You love them but can never have them…you give but never get anything back…you put in full-time effort for part-time love. But guess what? That’s not love. Love matches your hustle. Love cherishes your heart. Love gives with no thought of taking. Love shows up when it’s messy and not just when its convenient. Love exhilarates you…it doesn’t exhaust you. So if you’re wasting your time on an “in-between person,” I say it’s time to stop letting them decide whether they want to be in or out of your life and let them relocate permanently to “out.” Because anyone who REALLY wants to be in your life will be full-time, all-in, no holds barred, no excuses, IN YOUR LIFE.
Love never straddles the fence. Love never evades or dodges or ignores or eludes.
Love. Shows. Up.
Anything less…isn’t love.
This is exactly where I am right now. I fell in love with a man only to end our relationship. After we ended our relationship, we still see each other like nothing happened. But reality striked me through that I am not his girlfriend anymore and he is not my boyfriend anymore even though we do what two people does when they are in a relationship and honestly, it is indeed very exhausting. He told me that he can’t reciprocate yet that much love I have for him but he is still “here” because he admittedly said he was afraid to see me happy with someone else. I tried so hard to go through it until I cannot take it anymore. Just few hours from now I texted him that we need to stop seeing and calling each other for quite sometime. He didn’t want it but I was firm with my decision. I need the space to find myself which I lost when I fell in love with him. It hurts so much but I believe that it would hurt even more if I stay. Love is not a one way street.
Im where you are, I took a 30 day of no communication, for I fell in love to, but will take longer, if need be it’s about me more now. Thanks
it is hard. just keep moving forward one step at a time….
This is exactly what I needed to hear today! Thank you!!!
Mandy – thank you so much for posting this! It is very timely for me. I’m dealing with this exact issue right now. A guy I met online, who claims that he really likes me and wants to hang out again, is an “in-betweener”. I need to cut him loose and relocate him to permanently OUT of my life. 🙂
exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you for posting.
My relationship was more complicated than it should’ve been. We were involved for years … 17 to be exact. A crazy amount of time to invest. When he finally decided he wanted marriage, it was too late. We tried making it work; but it was a ridiculous cycle. Breakups only to try & be friends then end up right back together again. But this last time, I have to admit, I was not all in. My heart wasn’t in it. I finally saw that being unequally yoked does make a big difference. I accept my responsibility. There was definitely time wasted in staying in a relationship that should’ve ended long ago. Amazing how comfortable one can get…to the point you stay when you’re supposed to leave.
Hello, I agree in the situation you are alluding to there is a time to say enough is enough. I have in-between girl friends and I think that is a different situation. I spend dumb amounts of time doing things for them and serving them and get very little in return but I’m coming to the point where I am okay with that. Jesus will never get love back from us the love he put in and I think the best way to show the world God’s love is to love without boundaries. Without expectation. I may be a bit off topic from the post but I didn’t want all in-betweeners to be lumped together.
Thank you Mandy! I’m at this place right now and this will greatly help me.
How fitting! I had a date with a man last night that basically told me he wanted to be with me BUT did not want a monogamous relationship. The dates prior to this not once did he mentioned this, only the fact that he had been hurt in his marriage and trying to look for love again. I sat there stunned and once again thinking I must be on candid camera. It’s so hard to bounce back and not give up hope. This read came at a perfect time! Thank you.
thanks a lot.. it really helped.. ^_^
Perfect read for what I’m going through right now. Day 1 of me stepping away. Thanks for this reminder that I’m worth alot more.
How is it going for you? I’m in day 4 and I feel tremendous relief it’s over and my whole attitude towards life has changed. My focus is back…ME!
Wow this article really hit home with me right now. I’ve been seeing a man for almost a year that I love but is only around part time. He has also done what I call the disappearing act more than once. I just had surgery 2 weeks ago and 4 days after my surgery he wouldn’t answer my calls or texts. The next day he texted me and said Im sick and hate everything. Which was his way of saying leave me alone as hes said that alot of times. That was the final straw. I cussed him out and haven’t spoke to him since!
AMEN!! just needed to read that very thing from someone else- Im there and you have put the period at the end of the sentence with you very timely blog… and they are called Narcissists actually- thanks for the final word at the least for me it is. He will be back around but the game and rules will have changed….
Anyone has any idea what kind of guys are like this? I have been wondering, why I always meet this similar kind of men in my life. Is there anything that I behaved or reacted make them treated me this way? Can it be that those whom I attracted to has similar traits. Can it be these guys are gay? My apologies if I sounded speculative.
Thanks Mandy and the beautiful lovable women who have shared their experiences of being treated like this – we know what it can do to a confident woman’s self-esteem to be hooked up with a yo-yo lover who pulls you in close and then pushes you away because they can’t tolerate deepening emotional intimacy. I was involved with a man who called me his goddess and talked marriage in our first month together only to leave my bed in the middle of the night to go online looking for other women on dating sites including – wait for it – ‘Meet Your F*ck Buddy Tonight’. I thought I loved him with the intense passion he professed to feel for me but I grew to realise that he is a romance and sex addict who craves the novelty and excitement of new conquests. He is now over 60 and looking more and more like a dirty old man with a dirty habit and a hollow shell where his heart should be. I lost respect for him and now pity him.
Very well said. I wish I had known this in my 20s where I spent most of it loving someone who was never going to love me back. So naive and in denial, happy to see this healthy reminder of what love actually is.
This says it all… Love matches your hustle. Yes!
Thank you Mandy. You are definitely in tune with the season of my life I am in. I was in love with a man. We were “together” for almost two years. He didn’t want to spend time with me, humiliated me in public, communicated mostly through text messages, denied me to people, used me for my money, and didn’t want to be intimate. I was definitely trying to make a fairytale my reality. This man didn’t care about me at all. He had no respect for me. I loved him and his four children, including I had one of my own, was a Manager, and a graduate student. I was there for him mentally, spiritually, and financially and that still wasn’t enough. I ran behind him for two years until I was tired of doing the running. I am on my journey to heal me. I have been without him for 8 months today. I deserve better. A man that finds a wife finds a good thing (Proverbs 18:22). I have come to realize if a man wants you, he will pursue you. A man that loves a woman will not only pursue her but his words will line up with his actions (1 John 3:18 – Let us not love in words or speech but in actions and in truth). I have been on my Season of Discovering me to find out why I attracted my ex-fiancé and other men that didn’t reciprocate what I was giving. Women need to pray and ask God to show them what attracted this type of man to them in the first place. That is the first step to healing. THANK YOU MANDY.
truly what i needed to here
I just did it!! And you will be surprised to find that after the initial ‘goodbye’ you will feel a tremendous sense of relief that it’s finally over and you are free!
I am up so late and hooked on your blog and all the responses on here! I have been dealing with an “in between” for 6 yrs. I’m glad to say I’m over the worst of it, I really fell hard a few years ago after finally giving in to his pursuit of me. It wasn’t long though before I realised he saw me as a challenge and nothing more, and once he had what he wanted the games began. Your blog describes EXACTLY what his behaviour was like. Major lessons learned from it but I find I am very closed as a person now and find it very hard to open up to men and give them a chance. Thank you so much its so good to know I can come here and read empowering posts x