Dash of Sass: Stop Forcing. Stop Chasing. (Seriously, STOP.)
There’s something I’m super frustrated with lately, observing myself and my friends and reading emails from ladies who write to me for advice…and that is this idea that women seem to have that we need to work our toenails off to make a relationship happen with a man. That we have to “put ourselves in the way” of these men, otherwise they won’t remember us. That WE have to go out of our way to orchestrate run-ins and instigate conversations and catch THEIR eye. And while we’re working our fingers to the bone simply to get in the man’s line of sight, the man is sitting back twiddling his thumbs and not lifting ONE finger to pursue us, get to know us, spend time with us, or in some cases, even acknowledge us. And why? To what end are we doing this? Is our dignity and self-respect really worth so little that we’re willing to trade it in for five minutes of recognition from a man who probably doesn’t deserve us anyway? NO. It has to stop, ladies. And I’m talking to myself here, too. We have to stop with the idea that we can force or manipulate a man into being with us or wanting to be with us. We shouldn’t have to. By forcing and manipulating and orchestrating and stressing and planning and going out of our way to get in his line of sight, we are saying to the world that WE are not worthy of HIS pursuit, attention, time, and effort. NO. Nothing meant to be will ever have to be forced. No man who is meant for us will ever have to be chased. No relationship that is meant to happen will require so much work. It just won’t! And it certainly won’t require us to check our self-worth at the door! Relax. Breathe. Trust. Let go. Be your amazing, rockstar self, knowing in confidence that if a man is meant to be in your life, you simply being YOU will be all the encouragement he needs to want to get to know you and spend time with you. We are worth more than this, ladies. Yes, it’s important to open ourselves up to the idea of love and to engage and to be vulnerable and to let a man know when we are interested in him, but that’s enough. That’s it. Anything beyond that is sending the universe a message that you feel like you have to earn love. And love and affection worth having will never have to be EARNED.
Thanks for all the encouraging words. Single women need to know how to carry themselves on a daily basis. You make a difference in so many lives. God Bless You #doubleportion
WOW! I needed to read this. I’m currently in a situation where I don’t know where I stand & in complete confusion. I know I deserve love, attention & respect but I also know those things are priceless and should not have to be chased after. Thank you for this! ❤️
Any thing that is God inspired will NOT be confusing. The enemy is the author of confusion
Im right there too. So in love with this man but he ia indecisive. Im sad all the time.
Thank you Mandy. Your words always seem as they are spoken by a special friend who knows my heart.
Great post. We are conditioned we have impress the opposite sex. Social media is filled with women taking selfies to impress men. It stems from an insecurity of our self-worth. We want to feel attractive and desired. We want the attention and companionship, but don’t realize they are not worthy of God’s best for us. We do not realize how precious we are in God’s eyes.
As a divorced woman, I was guilty of taking selfies to impress men that I knew were not Godly men. I wanted the attention and acceptance. One day, God spoke to me. He made me realize I was trying to impress someone who didn’t deserve me. I am more than my looks. I am a child of the most high God.
Godly man? Keep him. These men are as bad or worse than the ones who just show you they are worthless upfront.
[…] https://mandyhale.com/2015/05/14/dash-of-sass-stop-forcing-stop-chasing-seriously-stop/ […]
Wow, this is incredible. Thanks for sharing Mandy. Sometimes when we get so caught up in something that we think is supposed to happen, we try too hard, and don’t let whatever is supposed to be, happen organically. I can’t help but to think of ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ when I read this. If a man wants to get to know you, see you, be with you, he will be on it to make it happen! A hard pill to swallow at times, but once we do, ahhhhh! So, freeing! You’re a rockstar! Thank you for reminding me that ‘Single’ can be fabulous!!
Not to mention, many women seem to think that they just have to get a man interested and everything else will fall into place. Honestly, I have been guilty of this. Not so much, ladies. The man who had to be manipulated or coerced into paying attention to you will not continue to pursue your affections and treasure your heart–the minute he’s bored with whatever you managed to use to catch his eye in the first place, he’s out the door, and you’re left worse off than when you began. Hold out for the man who recognizes your worth without having to be told or have it constantly thrown in his face, the man who doesn’t have to be prompted and prodded to pursue you, but does so on his own. THAT’S the guy who will respect you, care for you, treasure you, pursue you, grow with you, and keep going when the going gets tough.
Thank you so much, Mandy, for (I guess) talking to my soul . I love reading your tweets they fundamentally promote self-love and strength and that being okay with who I am albeit imperfect, not broken, but still growing IS OKAY. I have the tendency to be attracted to guys who seemingly intend to reciprocate their feelings. Only, they never engage, so I engage thinking that they’re too shy just to make it a little easier… Long story short… I’m still stuck on “hello”. Of late and if my spidey senses are correct, I am being deliberately avoided. A huge sign to let go, and I have been trying ever since. I believe God is the Healer of broken hearts & I am doing my best to silence my memories & the hope attached to them. This is where you come in… Once again, I am so thankful for your quotes & to know that I am not the only beautiful single woman out there struggling to swim up stream. ❤ God Bless you, Mandy Hale
OMG LEGIT my situation now!! Wow, just wow! Sometimes I think I want someone to want me so much, I forget how much I’m worth. Your words ring so true. Thank you soo much!!
I couldn’t have said it better than you just did. We have to remember our worth in God’s eyes before all else! Easier said than done when we feel like we need a man to make us whole.
Great post! I have totally done this… over, and over, and over. Sad to say, I also sought validation after the breakup… when it dawned on me, what is so special about this one person? Why do I need him to validate my worth? We need to know our own worth. For sure. By the way, I’ve noticed most guys who have noticed me lately, do so after I’ve been working out! No need to try and impress. Be our own kind of awesome because that’s who we are. It’s enough!! 🙂
I just realised this myself. We need to stop begging men and people for a spot in their lives. If they really want us there, we’ll be there. They will openly pursue us… We’ll know…. So put yourself first and everything will fall into place.
Wow….have no idea how nice it is to know I”m not the only one!!! OMGoodness….this is hard truth but necessary. Thank you!!!
Wow! I really needed to read this today!! Thank you so much!
I had read this post before, but it came up in my Facebook feed this morning with perfect timing. I was thinking about texting him again, it’s been a couple of weeks. (A couple of weeks since he blew me off! Why in the world would I want to give him the chance to do it again?!). Instead, I am deleting his number from my phone. Reminding myself that God validates me, pursues me, loves me, and I can BE STILL and WAIT. I don’t need to MANIPULATE to get a VALIDATE!
Laura, I just deleted a phone #, too because over and over, I did the same thing…reach out for crumbs and feel pitiful while doing it. Today I can see how sad it was that I didn’t value myself more, but I’m so thankful that at this very moment, I know in my heart that I deserve sooo much more!
Thank you Mandy!! This was a much needed read with my morning coffee. After going to countless weddings, baby showers, and wedding showers the past few months you kind of start throwing yourself a pity party asking when is this going to happen to me?? when am i going to have my big day?!!? And then the panic sets in … when am i going to meet my soul mate?! does my soul mate even exist?! You start trying to make things happen even though deep down inside you know it’s not right for you. But then you come across this in the morning , you take a deep breath and remember everything is going to be alright. ..
Thank you for your honesty. It is so hard in this world right now to be dating or wanting a real relationship. I absolutely refuse to chase a man. A lot of women think if they don’t they will be alone forever, so not true. It really is unfortunate that the men today do not know how to pursue a woman. They seriously need lessons.
Yes ma’am and if something happens between my husband and I, I WILL GLADLY LIVE THE SINGLE LIFE! I know iI can trust myself. I just am sick of watching my friends get divorced and sick of beimg pursued by married men. All they want is a roll in the hay. NOT ME.
Two words. “Thank you”.
Thank you for this word. I totally agree with it. I am single and desire to be in love but in my younger days I chased the guys I wanted. I am older now, 63, still single but I do not chase men. I believe I am worth more than that. I believe the man who wants me will chase me. I also believe God will speak to him and tell him I am the one.
I dont think so, girl. Older men are looking for a caretaker and younger ones….a roll in the hay. If you mess up and get married to an older man you will be his mother. I know someone who did just that! Now she is running all over town getting prescriptions, taking him to various specialists, cooking, etc, while he lays up and only has energy to go out on dates. No thanks! Ill be alone.
A perfect article for my situation now. I’ve this huge interest on one of my colleague where I’ve been doing exactly what you’ve stated to get him to want having a relationship with me. But, honestly saying im getting really tired myself going through all this trouble. I would say i’ve felt pretty much like Nicole as well where all the weddings,etc has made me feel I have to have someone in my life forgetting the fact that it shouldn’t be that difficult for the magic to happen? As a matter of fact I’ve been doing in my entire life I guess with no any success. Thanks again dear for such an eye opening article!!♥♡♥
Can I just say THIS resonates with me so much after 2 years of absolute limbo, having the biggest crush on a guy at work, and honestly I have to even admit, desperate & somewhat aggressive approach to getting him to like me. I’m 24 and too have felt the pressures of settling down seeing all my friends have babies, had me panicking ! But I’m so over it ! Thankfully I left that job last month and it was THE best decision, I’m just about to commence a second career and my life is filled with so much to be happy about. I’m young, beautiful & currently going through huge positive shifts and I know I am worthy of being pursued and treated like the absolute goddess I am & it starts with me ! So on that note I’m off to get a manicure and pedicure, hit the gym and just love myself ! Moral of the story love is not confusing you’ll never have to chase stupidly the man that God has for you ! Ever! Sending you love xxxx
I just finished reading an article about “why your previous relationships didn’t work”….. I wrote down the past 3 and also wrote under each name the things that worked and the things that didn’t… It was eye opening for me to see that EVERY time, I was the one who gave the most, made the sacrifices and compromised. I allowed him to sit back and make the decision about MY life. This article reinforces that thought process…. I have always been a people pleaser, I need to start with myself for a change! Now…. How to go about that…… 🙂
Thank you so much for this!!! I have been struggling with a relationship on and off for the past 11 years. He just won’t make a committment to me. He has a big beautiful house that his kids grew up in – they are all now adults. His wife passed away 15 years ago. Everytime I get strong and do what I know is right and not chase him and just do my own thing he always comes back with promises that things will be different, that he loves me, that he will sell the house and get us a place of our own…promises, promises , promises and I fall for it everytime. In October last year something happened to me and finally the truth came out. I hurt my back and could not walk – had to use a walker. He did his disappearing act again like he has done many times before , not there for me, not helping me. My poor dad had to help me in the bath and take me to all my dr. appointments. He did come to visit one day and he looked me straight in the face and said he cannot be with me when I am like this. That he was ready to give me what I wanted…committment, security, a easier life…but he cannot be here for me when I am sick when I need him the most. To be here for me and help me with the bath and help me get food and just be with me because I am dealing with so much and cannot walk and I am in pain and on so much meds and I have lost my job because of the injury and now on a disability check of only 600.00 a month. He knows my bills are piling up – no offer to help me….he just stays away. I need closure – I cannot go on like this hoping that he will change and come around…he has told me to my face that he cannot be with me when I am sick because he went through all of that before when his wife was dying from cancer. I do not call or text him and every now and again he will text to ask how I am – but I finally got it…I am not begging him to come visit me because he has made it very clear he does not want to be with me when I am sick. It just hurts..I feel abandoned. And yes I love him but I have to love myself more and just let him go.
Your comment was very touching and somehow relate to it in lots of ways, i too was left by my boyfriend when everything else around me was falling apart and almost 2 yrs. later i can’t say i’m recovered but i can feel i’m getting better. i can relate to the feeling of wanting to want you like mandy posted and i know it is easier said than done but i do know that when you feel rejected by the person you think should be there as you have been it is emotionally and physically painful..i lost my job, my friends and eventually he broke up with me after having been there for him for lots of his personal and family problems hoping that one day we would get married..i hope you don’t think this is too out of line for me to reply to your post but i just wanted to say hang in there things do get better..for me after i lost everyone dear to me i learned to rely on myself and found out i’m strong and i can get on with my life and grow stronger each day. it is difficult but not impossible, god bless your father for helping you but god will bless you too and i hope me too..
stay strong you can do it 🙂
preach it girl!
I wonder if this kind of thinking comes with maturity and life experience:.When I finally let this go I felt a freedom like nothing else I’ve ever felt before. I finally loved ME!! Me and my imperfections, accepted every fault with pride and owned them all!! But I think the outcome of my story maybe a little different …. When I let it go I just realized that I really wasn’t ready to share my life and I was what was standing in the way of my relationships. Four years later, I can only be honest and say that I love being with me and am still not ready to share this life I call my own. Sorry if it’s not the happy ending you were all hoping for but it’s MY happy ending and I embrace my independence and the incredible joy it brings me 🙂 Good luck on all your journey’s.. May you find your own Silver Lining 🙂
Love it!! Thanks for the gentle r!!eminder
Thank you Mandy for the reminder. Lately it seems like I’ve been putting so much effort into getting this guy, who’s supposedly interested in me, to just talk to me. I’ve been working way too hard to get his attention, and that’s not right. I really needed the reminder that I am good enough and deserve to be loved. I don’t deserve the way he’s been treating me and that speaks volumes about who he is. Keep up the great posts, girl. <3
sad but true for most single women.
We can have an amazing, loving relationship but with ourselves first…
When we truly love ourselves, love will find us.
Thanks Mandy for your words…
Hi Mandy,so I’ve been in this relationship for 8months,things were great between us used to make me feel a queen,but now things are falling apart he don’t attend me like he used to,only tells me he loves me once in while and only when I had complained,I feel like he don’t love me anymore,he don’t want me anymore but he won’t tell me cos he don’t wanna hurt me…well he’s gentlemen,humble and respects me…my problem now is I don’t wanna feel this things I’m feeling anymore.not wanted by him,like he don’t appreciate me always asking myself. If its worth it..please advice me
Thank you for posting this. This. Is exactly what I needed!!! A wake up call. I kept wondering if it was normal to work so hard in a relationship, to do the work, to invite him places, to get him to hang out. I don’t ever remember it being this hard. But for whatever reason, I thought I needed to with him. No more. And now I’m going to be ME. I loved reading this!! Trusting. Letting go.
I love your advice and its so true. But my question to you and all the ladies is how do we get out of a situation like this?? I have been talking to a guy now on and off for 6 months and I feel like we never getting anywhere. Seems like I try so hard to persue him and for him to notice me. I don’t know what to do.
Save yourself years of heartache and walk away right now! I suffered through agonizing heartache with a man who wouldn’t commit to me. I endured the song and dance routine off and on for 2 years, and it almost killed me. At times I thought my heart was literally breaking. I don’t know why we feel that this is ok or that we don’t deserve better but right now at this very moment, I know I deserve so much better and don’t have to beg ANYONE to love me.
I simply ADORE you and am very grateful that I am no longer this girl as I dropped
her in my 20s. Now at the lovely age of 50, it only gets better and better and that includes
loving me more daily and accepting all flaws but most importantly, happiness begins
with ME first. No drama, no stress, just living my life like it’s golden 🙂
Loved this! My friend and I have both just experienced this exact situation. When I read this it hit home. I have been recovering from this situation for almost 2 months now and within the last 2 or 3 days have finally felt the freedom of releasing it. I am working on building my strength to really follow what you’re saying here. It’s my new outlook on my new life. I am worth it!
Here’s the thing…social media and society has changed the name of the game. I know there are still good men out there, but they are far and few between. Sometimes you have to take action to get a man to notice you. I’m not saying chase them as that will end in defeat. I’ve been single for a year now after calling off my wedding last year and I’ve only dated (if you can even call it that) 3 guys. I haven’t chased anyone nor have I had anyone interested. So…what do you do when those are your options? Date the Aholes or date the men you’re not interested in?
These are the exact words I have been needing to read. I have been dealing with this same exact thing on and off, back and forth for 8 months. I am mentally drained from it and it has altered my personality drastically. The situation has made me feel like I’m not good enough and has me constantly comparing myself the to the other girls this guy pulls in and uses. I felt like in all of this I have lost myself, lost my sparkle. I keep entangling myself in this web and allowing this person to make me feel all these things. But you are soo soo right! I control my life, I control the situation. After reading this im telling myself NO MORE! Thank you for this post!! You’re helping a lot of us.
This is perfection! If a Man wants you, let him come and get you. Leave the Boys alone!
I absolutely agree with this! I spent 7 years of my life trying to hold a relationship together that just wasn’t practical. Tried changing myself to make him want to be with me and only me, and to make him want to stop cheating on me. Had so much hope and faith that I could somehow make him want to change but in reality I just damaged myself and lost myself through those years. Took awhile to face facts but I’ve learned that nothing should be forced or have to require so much work. If it’s meant to be it’ll come so easily and that’s how it’s going for me right now. Reconnected with an old family friend and it’s just came so natural and doesn’t require all this work. I can be myself. And I know my worth and my value and I don’t have to second guess it one bit like I did for those 7 years.
I truly needed to hear this. I am single. I tru;y desire to be in a committed relationship & married. However I’m trusting on God to send someoe to me. I refuse to chase any man. As we get older we tend to get nervous or scared that it may not happen for us so we chase or pursue with such aggression to men that aren’t worthy of our time.
OMG, that is me right there, everything you wrote here you are talking about me, i’m campaigning for attention,chasing, dying for his attention, tried all I can 2 keep this man in my life…I know my worth, just forgot it…but I’m walking away, actually running as FAST as I possibly can…THANK YOU!!!
Most men want to pursue a woman but we make it to easy sometimes by giving too much too soon. I am so guilty of this. As a woman we need to slow down and be pursued. We are precious treasures and needed to be treated that way.
I did this for 17 years in a crazy marriage! It’s so not worth it! I’m so happy to be free to be me!:)
This is just what I needed to hear now! Thanks I had an experience that jolted me and reading this I think it was meant for me, to confirm that really letting go is okay I am worth pursuing
Thank you for this affirmation. Sometimes I feel odd for not working hard or trying my best in maintaining a love interest. I then ask myself, why should I do all the chasing? Why does he not chase me if he is so interested?
I have a potential who only calls me to gripe on how I do not call or text to show my interest yet he does the same thing. If he called or texted regularly, I would be forced to reciprocate, no?
I know that feeling too. This guys wants me to text him regularly: “why you didnt text me last week”, but he doesnt openly demonstrate interest in me although I know for sure he likes me. The problem, is that after I text him, he doesnt reciprocate.
Maybe he wants me to do all the chasing, and honestly there are better guys than him.
Before we even attempt to have a healthy relationship with a man, we need to have a good relationship with ourselves first. What we give to ourselves and how we treat ourselves is what we will settle for in receiving from a man. We have to become who we want to be with. A successful wholesome man is not going to settle for less than what he is. Learn to love and accept yourself wholeheartedly first.
Great! I thought that i was the only one going through life being single. Hearing these other women stories lets me know i am not the only one after all. Thank you!
This article spoke right to my soul. Like most of the women who’ve commented, I too have been down this road. I made a decision never to chase after no man. If a guy truly loves you and wants you in his life, he’ll make it happen. We need to stop settling for far much less than what we are worth. We are queens! We deserve to be treated as such. Thank you Mandy for this article. I feel like you’re sent by God to me. Thank you for such insiprational words and for being so relatable. <3
YES!!!! I was just telling my girlfriend this today!
The account of Isaac and Rebekah: Rebekah was just doing her thing with the other women; and essentially, God found her for Isaac. She was just doing her thing…being where God wanted her in her role at the time…and then the match was made…by God. Love it. Love to you all. ( :
Hi there, I understand I shouldn’t be submitting anything considering I’m a guy. However, I saw a quote on my exes tumblr, ““Growth is painful. Change is painful.But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.” We ended on good terms in a sense of let’s hope to find the right person for us. My belief though, was I found the right person for me. I wanted to give her every little gift I had to offer, from small gestures to the biggest of making a small mini golf course for our anniversary. During this month and a half of us being broken up I’ve been constantly writing and reading trying to better myself. Everything I’ve written so far is either inspired by her or about her. Not sure if you could give me any book recommendations on feminism? I know that she’s looking for the right guy and maybe I’m not him, but I would want to make myself better for the next woman in my life. Even if I’m hoping it’s her. Well I appreciate you reading this and I did enjoy going through your blog.
Hi Chris…what a wonderful approach to life and love. I personally love Captivating by Stasi Eldridge. And, of course, my books 🙂
This is what I wanted & needed to hear! And for the women on here, we are in this together! Even though I don’t know you, I will be thinking about you. Best wishes. And thank you as always, Mandy!
Wow! I absolutely love reading everything that you post!
I just got out of a relationship like this. Chased him for 2 months because I thought” he was the one” but after a month of not seeing him, I see things more clearly. Being around him and knowing him sucked out my joy and dignity and I DEFINITELY wasn’t myself. Trying to be who HE wanted but he still chose another woman over me. Hmmm. But I forgive myself. The way I look at it, I’m 46. What’s 2 months out of 46 yrs. And this did teach me a lesson. I should have stayed true to myself. If he didn’t like who I true my was, he didn’t like me.
I have all your books Mandy and as therapist I also hand copies out to my wonderful female clients. However, if I may, I also want to recommend one more book to all the ladies struggling with all kinds of relationship issues and self doubts: Its Not You, 27 Wrong reasons You Are Single by Sara Eckel. May your spirit and self-worth expand with every word!!!!!
I actually had a childhood crush. He had been my crush since grade 6, then after 10 years me met again at a Christian church. I was a new believer. I was worried that I wouldn’t have any admirers and my clock was ticking. We see each other every week for the music ministry, until one day I revealed my feelings to him. He didn’t reciprocated my feelings. Then I blocked him in fb. After 9 months, I unblocked him, and said sorry and I asked if we could still be friends.. but he blocked me back. I was an achiever at school but I’d dumb myself down for this Christian guy. And my friendship with his sister who was close to me was affected as well. It feels so devastating for me for I’d been so attached to them. I was obsessed. I even sought psychiatric help to get over the situation that I had: the unrequited love and his rejection. And my physical body was compromised as well, I gained a lot of weight because of the depression. I expected too much. But this reminds me to stop chasing this man and that I’m worth to be pursued. Thank you for your posts Mandy! You’re heaven sent.
I am dealing with this kinda situation right now. I feel like sometimes, I’m chasing him but sometimes he is chasing me. I’m not sure I’ve made it clear that I like him. And I am not sure how I should. Should I just tell him that I like him. I am kinda confused about the whole situation 🙁
OMG. I just discovered your sight. Your words are exactly what I needed to hear. It’s hard for all married friends to understand me, and sometimes I get the wrong advice. Your advice is what I need in my life right now.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you! I needed this and especially today! Xoxo
I do not chase. I do not beg. Ever! I am a lady, not a dog.