Don't PLAY hard to get – BE hard to get
Picture it: You pick up the phone to call your new crush for the very first time. You know the drill – your heart is racing, your blood is pumping, you can hardly wait for him to answer. One ring…two rings…three rings…voicemail. You leave a message – the perfect, breezy message – just knowing that you’ll hear back from him in no time. Two hours go by and still nothing. It can’t hurt to shoot him a quick text, right? Maybe he didn’t get your voicemail. Maybe his voicemail is broken! Maybe there’s a glitch with the cell tower three towns over that’s causing his voicemail to spontaneously delete all messages. So you shoot him the perfect, breezy text…and still nothing. You text your best friend to see if maybe your text messaging is malfunctioning (c’mon, ladies – we’ve all done it) but it’s not. You call your cell phone provider to tell them “Mr. Telephone Man, there’s something wrong with my line,” only to be told that there have been no other complaints today, and not only is cell service working, but they’ve actually installed three NEW towers in your crush’s backyard in the past week and he now has the capacity to make a call without even picking up the phone. You realize you have no other choice but to take drastic action and perform CPR on your phone to bring it back to life, when – BRRRRRING! Your phone lights up! A call! You answer excitedly, only to be told to please hold for an important message from the Church of Latter Day Saints. SIGH. What went wrong? What happened to suddenly make Mr. Wonderful shadier than a pool umbrella on a hot summer day?
Chances are, ladies, you made yourself too available to him. There’s a quote that goes something like this: “A man is like a cat; chase him and he will run. Sit still and ignore him and he’ll come purring at your feet.” Since ancient times, man has thrived on the thrill of the hunt; the excitement of the pursuit – and if you make it too easy on him, he feels deprived of the chance to win your affections…steal your heart…earn your love. An easy analogy for you: think back to when you were little. When your parents just outright gave you a new doll with no stipulations and no requirements attached, more often than not, you played with the doll a few times, ran her through the mud, chopped all her hair off playing “Hairdresser” and discarded her into the pile of forgotten toys. But when you had to scrimp and do chores and save up every cent of allowance you earned for six months to buy that doll yourself – she was treated with the utmost care and caution. Her dress stayed clean. Not a strand of hair was out of place. In fact, she’s probably still perched in your china cabinet to this day in pristine condition. The lesson here? Sit your affections, your heart and your precious time out on the doorstep without so much as making him ring the doorbell first, and he’ll treat you like a doormat. Make him work a little to get next to you, and he won’t stop til you’re his. Then he’ll keep showing up for you, over and over, because he’ll know that you are a steel magnolia and not a shrinking violet.
Am I suggesting you play games? Not at all. I’m not suggesting you “pretend” to have a life – I’m suggesting you actually go out and GET one. A busy, vibrant, goal-oriented woman is so much more attractive than a woman who waits around for a man to validate her existence. In the Game of Love, here are a few simple tips to keep you on Fierce and Fabulous Avenue instead of Desperate and Needy Street:
1) Don’t make a habit of calling him. Once you’ve established a dating relationship, it’s okay to bend the rules a little and be the initiater from time to time, but in the early stages of getting to know each other, LET HIM COME TO YOU. Remember : “If you chase it, it will run.” Constant calling, texting, emailing, Facebooking, sending a carrier pigeon with a handcrafted note in its beak telling him how fabulous he is = overkill. Give him a chance to miss you a little. If you’re always in his inbox or call log, you’re not giving absence a chance to make the heart grow fonder.
2) When he does call you, be the one to end the phone call first. It sounds silly, but there’s something about the woman ending the call first that drives a man wild. Ever notice in the past when you were the one to initiate the farewells how he tried his best to keep you on the phone? He’d even resort to debating with you about whether People magazine made the right choice with their “Sexiest Man Alive” issue just to keep you from hanging up. Could be that it’s a power thing or an ego thing – who really knows? Either way, let your fingers do the walking and be the one to hang up first whenever possible.
3) Practice the art of the occasional “No” instead of the permanent “Yes.” You don’t have to repeat “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes” like a parakeet every time he asks you to hang out. Once in awhile, say no. Unfortunately, a woman that’s always available can quickly become synonymous with a woman that’s DESPERATE. You have a fabulous, busy, rewarding life of your own – so don’t always be so quick to leave yours and go rushing over to his! A woman that’s not afraid to be unpredicatable is a woman that will always, always keep his attention.
4) Finally, and most importantly, love yourself enough to pursue your own dreams and your own passions in such a way that you will never be mistaken for a girl without a life and a mind of her own. Don’t make him the center of your universe – make him a fantastic constellation that you gaze at and enjoy from time to time but that doesn’t stop your world from spinning happily on its axis. “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams and live the life you’ve imagined.” The only way you can do that is if you follow your own North Star and refuse to allow the sun and moon to rise on the face of anyone other than yourself.
The main thing to remember in all of this is this – your value and your worth and your fabulousness is never going to be wrapped up in another human being. The only person you have to live with every day for the rest of your life is yourself, so start with making her happy…and the rest will fall into place.
This is so me and so true. I was talking and texting this guy (friend) for 11months and then told my self it was to much. So I stop it all and now he calls me and texts me and tells me he misses me calling and texting and wants more then to be friends now. So lady’s if u want him stop going after him because if he really likes u he will come to u.
I love this!! I have been going about this all wrong. But I’m excited to try out your advice and tips…thank you.
This is very true. I am recently divorced and I have been dating occasionally. I have noticed that when you don’t text them often or call them, they come running. I learned this lesson a little later than I would have liked, but at least I learned it.
In my marriage, I gave up all the things I enjoyed and I turned into a person I no longer recognized. Since being divorced, I have lost 40lbs, taken up jogging, blogging, moved into my new place, and above all I am happy. People who knew me when I was married, can’t believe the change I have made.
I truly enjoy reading your blogs. Thank you for sharing them with me and the world!
This is the best advise every woman should listen to. I followed this for the past three months and now the man that told me I was perfect but didn’t want to be with me has been calling everyday and last week he asked me out on a date again. He eagerly made plans for the following week as well. It was not easy to not call, text or ignore a phone call for a day or so before responding but everyday it got a little easier to do and I continue to not be so available.
He has got his work cut out for himself if he thinks we will get back together. He will have to prove himself and only then will I move forward, but it will never be what it was. It would have to be so much better because I deserve only the very best. I would rather be lonely because I’m alone than to be lonely in a relationship. I promised myself to never make someone my priority when they are making me their option!
Thanks again for the wonderful advise.