Days Four & Five: You Win Some, You Lose Some

I missed Day Four yesterday so I thought I would combine it with today!

Day 4: In Chapter Two of You Are Enough, a phone call one Monday morning changes the course of my entire life and my family’s lives. Share a time that you received life altering news, good or bad, and how it impacted your life.

Day 5: In Chapter Three, “Your Life Will Be Different, But It Will Be Amazing,”I talk about how life can be beautiful again, even after unimaginable loss. Share a time when you faced unimaginable loss, and how you came to realize that you were ENOUGH to handle it.

Since I talk about a devastating phone call I received in the book, I thought I would lighten things up a little and talk about a career-defining call I received at another time in my life.

It was about six months after my book, I’ve Never Been to Vegas But My Luggage Has came out. It was my second book, and not one that my publisher had really gotten behind. There were a lot of changes at my publishing company between my first book and my second, and not nearly as much enthusiasm for me or my message by the time Never Been to Vegas came out. I even planned my own book tour without much input or support from my publisher. Point being, it felt a little like book one was their pride and joy and book two was the black sheep, lol! I say that jokingly but it really was painful, since I poured so much of my heart and soul into book two. It was my life story, and it meant the world to me. So I hustled as I always do to promote it and get the book in as many hands as possible…again, without a ton of support from my publishing team.

Which is why, six months after it came out, the last thing I was expecting was a phone call telling me the book had hit the New York Times bestseller list. But that’s exactly what happened.

I was renting an attic apartment on a beautiful ranch out in the country at that time and my landlord lived right beneath me. I screamed so loud when I got the call, she thought something terrible had happened and I had to run down to reassure her that I was screaming from joy and not terror, ha! It was one of the most magical, validating moments of my life…not because I needed endless accolades but because it served as a reminder that I was on the right track…even if it didn’t always feel like it. I had worked my butt off to make that little book a success, and it had paid off. My number one career goal was realized, and I was on cloud nine.

Later that night I was sitting out on my deck, gazing up at the stars, thanking God endlessly for this day, this achievement, this MIRACLE – I asked Him to show me a sign that He was there with me, celebrating right along beside me. Almost as soon as the words left my mouth, a MASSIVE shooting star shot across the night sky right in front of me. I laughed, and I cried, and I marveled at a God who answers prayers so specifically. And often, for no other reason than to bring us joy. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

Annnnnd that brings us to Day Five…and the loss that followed just about a month after the events I described above.

Ironically, I had called my on-again, off-again, long-suffering ex, Mr. E (who we will hereafter refer to as John) to tell him about the book hitting the list and that’s what had gotten things started up again between us. The details of what happened next have been documented in previous blogs and books so I won’t go into the whole story here…but the long and short of it is, he ended up breaking my heart again, this time in the most unimaginably cruel way. And the truth is, I didn’t really fully “deal” with it at the time at all. I closed my heart off completely and shut down emotionally. I hid behind a brick wall for years, letting no one get close to me. It’s honestly not until the events you read about in You Are Enough that I really forced myself to confront and deal with the pain that John inflicted on me that day more than four years ago now. It took several years a LOT of therapy to realize that I was enough, far too enough, to keep wasting time on someone who always treated me like I was too much or too little.

So I will say to you what I wish someone had said to me on that heartbreaking day four years ago: Don’t run. Don’t hide. Don’t try and push away or reject the pain or the loss. Let it in, let it ALL the way in. Embrace it. Feel it…every last bit of it. It takes feeling to start the healing. And healing is messy. Scream, cry, cuss, throw things if you need to…but do SOMETHING to let yourself feel the loss. Because that loss is the key to your transformation. The brokenness I experienced four years ago has led to so much beauty in my life. It pushed me to finally seek help for the overwhelming sense of lack I had felt for years. It made me realize how strong I really am. It inspired two books! It completely upended and destroyed and refined and rebuilt me. In hindsight, I can see now that it was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Loss and heartbreak can teach you so much, if you’ll let it. Getting down to nothing has a magical way of reminding you that you are EVERYTHING.

You. Are. Enough.

You can get my book You Are Enough: Heartbreak, Healing, and Becoming Whole at any bookstore or order it here.

Join in my #30DayBloggingChallenge at any time! If you don’t have a blog, feel free to share your stories each day on any of your social media platforms, or even use the space in the comments below. Just make sure you tag your posts #YouAreEnough30 so we can all follow each other’s journeys!