Dash of Sass: You Are NOT Alone
October 6, 201425 Comments
I received this question this morning from a Facebook friend and wanted to post it here, along with my answer, because I feel like this is an issue that many single women struggle with.
Mandy,
I keep trying and trying year and after and I am still alone. I pray every day. But everyone is a pair that I know and I am not included in anything. Many of my friends are married. I get excluded from the things they all do together as couples. When I make friends, they seem to tell me to find new friends that will do things with me. I just feel like I can’t win.
~Susie
Dear Susie,
I can assure you, not everyone is a pair! I’m not. You are NOT alone. Please know that. I have thousands of women who follow my blog who are also single and hoping to find love someday. But I have a thought. You say you keep trying and trying. What if you just stopped STRIVING? What if you just surrendered, and determine in your heart to be happy no matter what happens? What if you just hand it all over to God and let Him decide? Jump into life with both feet and I promise it will embrace you back. Finding a partner won’t magically bring you happiness and contentment…those things have to come from you. Resolve to get involved in things and talk to strangers and join groups and put yourself out there with every ounce of courage you have…and I think you will be pleasantly surprised at the results.
You DO have to put as much passion and effort and energy into creating the life you want as you do your actual job. Actually, more. I would definitely recommend writing out some positive affirmations to speak over your life every morning. Tape them all around your house so you remember them. You’ll be AMAZED by how much just changing your energy and mindset will change your life. I would also recommend amping up your quiet time with God. Get into the word. Go in search of a church that you feel at home in and start getting involved. You might be tired, you might be discouraged…but nothing changes if nothing changes and YOU are responsible for building the life you want. Even if your dream man came along tomorrow, you can’t look to another human being to create a happy life FOR you. You have to do it yourself. The moment I started to realize that I am responsible for my own happiness, my life changed. Find an outlet to serve. Do something, volunteering or SOMETHING, that gets your mind off of your life and your problems and onto making someone else’s life better. You CAN change your life. YOU CAN! I promise. I did. It just takes making God your top priority, and making yourself and your happiness a priority. You can’t get a return on something you didn’t invest in…so it’s time to start investing in YOU and making the rest of your life the BEST of your life!
Winnie the Pooh said it best: “You can’t stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.”
Love & Prayers,
Mandy
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Life doesn’t always look the way we want it to look. In Mandy’s upcoming book, Turn Toward the Sun: Releasing What If and Embracing What Is, you’ll find encouragement to live in the moment, sit with your experiences, and trust God with the unknown.
Thanks. This is just what I needed today.
I love this!!!!!!
This gave me life! I am recently divorced but I have been separated for three years. During that time I did not date because well I was still married in my eyes. After attending a wedding this weekend alone I came to the realization it’s probably time for me to do something. Get out of the house, hang out with the girls, go on dates, be young again. I lost that and only until I sat at that wedding lonely with no one to dance with, did I realize that I have let life pass me by. I’m only 33. I can start again and have my happily ever after even if I don’t have my prince charming in the end.
Thank you for sharing. I just reaffirmed this to myself this weekend. While I have friends I want “the couple”. I took myself off the dating sites and just chose to focus on me, my house, and the things that I have put off doing while I was searching for “him”. If he is out there, we will meet on God’s time-frame, not mine.
Just wanted to comment. Susie is indeed not alone. I have been dealing with the same thing. Divorced from an abusive ex. Dated a bit—but ended up being guys who played the field. A lot of my friends are married and have kids—while they don’t mean to—-I sometimes get lost in the shuffle of life. It is not easy—but you just have to get comfortable with yourself—take care of yourself better—pamper, etc. I love to sew—so I have gotten back into sewing—its like my therapy. Making things for friends and coworkers and it makes a little extra money—which always helps. My friends may be busy—especially if they are married with kids—but when I call them and really need them—they are there. I did have some unmarried friends who were pulling me down—I finally got wise and dropped them as friends. I have a great church and church family—they are so supportive and that helps too. As far as family—I have only my Dad and step mom and a few cousins—they are all supportive too. Its tough—but can be done. I try starting every day new and go from there. I would be happy to communicate with Susie—if she thought it would be of help.
Janet
Ithought this was awesome advice. you always come thru Mandy ,right on time it seems .everytime I am going thru something ,there you are with those wonderful words of wisdom .inspiring and encouraging me to move forward .I woke up this morning ,no lie and thought ,i havent gotton an email from Mandy latley .praying all is well with her ,and got to work and there you were ,just right there ,on time ,again .you never cease to amaze .thank you ,thank you ,thank you .many blessings girl
So true, Mandy. I agree with you. There’s more to life than just having a relationship. You don’t need someone to complete you; you have to have this mindset that you are your whole person and that loving yourself first will truly liberate you. How else are we able to love others if we don’t give as much love to ourselves first? When someone comes along, that is not to complete us but to complement us. Being single doesn’t make your life miserable. Embrace it with gladness because there are endless wealth of experience waiting for you to discover and share. Besides, the Lord doesn’t discriminate. He’s that one person above anyone else that truly loves you no matter what circumstances you are in, single or double, warts and all
I want to say thank you. I have been struggling with the word “alone” seems like my whole life. I have been trying to change it to I’m free. Which is exactly what you have said. But sometimes it’s hard to get motivated when I crawl into the hole. But I will take your words with me today .
You’re not alone, Cathi. We’re all in this “single” thing together! xoxo
I love this! Think you are absolutely right! I need to remember how awesome I am! Thank you!
Your information is solid Mandy. It was not long ago that I began to believe and really live this advice, although I knew this knowledge for a long while. I am not sure what occurred in my life to start living the information you give, but I think it might have been last autumn (2013) when I realized who I REALLY was in Jesus Christ. I have love, significance, understanding, purpose, belonging and security . . . through and IN Jesus. I got off all the dating sites and stopped searching and put that energy into seeking my Lord. I found a small church I like and have joined the ladies Bible study. Most of the folk are several generations younger than myself, but that is ok. I am “connected” to several people in Africa and via emails we keep contact and it seems I have become an encourager…. something I never thought I’d be. God will bring what you need into your life Susie if your life is hidden in Him. There is another quote that I wont quote perfectly, but after being on my wall for several years, I took it down because I don’t NEED to be reminded everyday now. It’s something like: ~~Don’t be afraid to be alone and don’t be afraid to like it. ~~ There is a big difference between alone and loneliness. Jesus can help you find it.
Everyone has spoken well. One has to make herself happy. In the real sense of it, being single is not fun at times, you just have to be positive about it. I pray God gives us the grace to stand firm and focus on Jesus, who alone can give us the happiness we desire.
Wow! That’s so true.. I am blessed (‘:
I entirely agree. The amount of anxiety I had over a guy a few months ago was to the point that I didn’t feel like eating. & I LOVE eating. I’m so thankful it was my weekend to serve & watch kids at church because that truly helped SO much. Not only did it take my mind off my own frustration & struggles about the situation, but when I was done serving, I talked to another friend serving & that helped, too. Doing/ serving/ giving your time to others to help and make them happy entirely takes your mind off yourself. It reminds you life isn’t about you. Do/ find what bigger purpose you’re on this earth to accomplish. God has a great plan. Trust is hard at times. Still struggling, but remember God has a plan.
Nothing could be more true than speaking positively to yourself about yourself. I get down frequently about where I’m at in my life, why I’m still single and most of my friends are married/committed/parents. Why am I alone? This is probably a monthly battle that all the ladies can relate to (hormones are ridiculous!). But I remind myself (and have some fabulous friends from all categories that remind me too) that my life is MINE TO LIVE. Do I want to live it as a frustrated, sad and lonely woman, missing out on my daily blessings because I’m too blinded by others’ ideals to see them? Time for a resounding NOPE. Every day I tell myself how lucky I am to have a job, a home, and the freedom to make choices for only me! New movie coming out, but nobody is available to go with me? No worries! I’ll go and enjoy it by myself! I don’t have to stop living because I’m the only one with a key to my apartment, or because I don’t have the “ideal” relationship. Whose ideal is it, anyway? Appreciate every moment you live in freedom and happiness-it’s so much better than being in a mediocre relationship just so you can say you’re in one. Keep fighting the good fight-you’re absolutely worth it!
Aone isn’t really alone if you live your life. I was married and I was divorced for 10 years before I could even look at a man. I knew I had to find myself and start loving me before I could even think of dating. I picked up my feet and started living and enjoying me as a person. I spent a lot of time with friends and did things that I never thought I would and enjoyed every minute of my life. I finally after 10 years of being single started to date and I’m telling you it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be. 2 years ago I purchased my last house and so far I haven’t lived in it alone, other woman who needed a place to stay have lived here and now my daughter and two granddaughters are living with me until she can get settled. In her own place. During this time I’ve come to realize it’s going to have to be a very special person for me to ever hold on to another man. I come and go as I wish and have my friends over when I want. I go to bed when I please and no one tells me to stop cleaning or bosses me around for no reason. I’m my own person and I love me. Right now I’m seeing a few men that I can’t say I would want to live with but they are good company for times that I want a man around. Don’t rush it, take your time and enjoy this time to get to know you and who you really are. I’m not going to tell you it’s going to be easy because not having that second income is hard but hearing about how much you spend and not knowing what you have is harder. I cook what I want and I’m happy for now. So enjoy you and who you are as a person.
Thank you Mandy. & Susie, for being brave enough to ask the question. You really aren’t alone.. Had somewhat of a meltdown today for similar reasons. When I told myself that I “can’t wait until I’m finally happy” I realized something was wrong. I told myself that I needed to get out more, volunteering or something ..something to take the focus off of myself & give to & serve others. Nothing would be more fulfulling. So thank you for this wonderful response Mandy. Great words, great wisdom, great advice. Needed to hear this. Perfect timing.
What attracts you to others? What is it that makes you yearn to be around people? Happiness. If you start living, volunteering, creating a life that makes YOU happy, that will attract others. When you quit focusing on being alone and unhappy and just put yourself out there, become a productive citizen, living for life…you will become happy. Being alone is a choice that many don’t realize they are making. There are so many activities and functions that can put you out in the public. At first, you may feel like the odd-ball and uncomfortable, but realize that won’t always be the case. You will start socializing with others by interacting. It feels good to walk in and someone say hello…directly to you, saying your name, validating you are here on this earth and happy you are there. If you shut yourself off, you don’t get that validation. Allow yourself to be involved. When people are around you, seeing you be productive, happy with what you are doing, that will attract them to you. You may find people started volunteering for the same reason you did. My journey has just begun and I’m excited to see where it takes me! Just to get out of the house and be around others boosts my happiness to a new level, so I’m going to do it more. God put us here to socialize and help each other…so put yourself out there.
I am 41, never have been married and am still single. Oh my you are not alone. Yes I have had men in my life, but I have recently realized that they were only the devices to take me where I need to be. So much so that I moved 800 miles away from my friends and family for a man only to have it end 3 months later. I still live in this beautiful new state, with the two job of my dreams and I wouldn’t have it any other way. When things don’t work out as planned it’s because your plan isn’t God’s plan, and that is the plan you should truly follow. Yes we can reflect, be upset over it, but then move with the knowing that you deserve to be loved unconditionally. I have come to the conclusion that even if I don’t find that love here on earth, that it is waiting for me when I leave. That makes every day here worth it! I have also come to realize that loving yourself unconditionally is essential. So for this Valentine’s Day, I am taking myself out!! Enjoy yourself, enjoy your journey, enjoy the love in your heart as it is sent there from above!!
Hello to all,
I just wanted to comment on the subject at hand. I definitely can relate to the young lady saying that basically everyone she knows is married or somehow attached to a significant other. Being the oldest out of all my cousins and other relatives and being the one that hasn’t gotten married yet does bring along feelings of unworthiness. It’s like “what’s wrong with me” sorta thing. I do have great self esteem but self- worth is a different issue. I think of the fact that I ain’t getting no younger and become discourage. I do try to focus on my happiness because I know that I’m the one responsible for my happiness. However, I don’t exactly know what makes me more happier except for being with family and friends. Which are in fact the ones that are attached to their significant others. I will however take the advice in getting involved in certain groups, church activities, etc. I would like to add that I’m on a couple of dating sites and that’s been just a crazy adventure. A friend of mine text me this afternoon a guy I actually liked just stopped with no explanation texting me: “Yeah. Something wrong. You have terrible taste in men. If you saw yourself as beautifully as myself and others who love you see you…you would only date the kindest richest man ever. You would see your beauty and not date any crazy asshole that didn’t.” I said in response, “But I do see myself as beautiful, well on most days anyway.” She then responded, “Because they suck. I can’t find prophet jeans at Wal-Mart. Because they suck. You’re high quality and you can’t shop at the thrift shop… They will just not have anything of your quality” I then said, “Can’t shop at a thrift store thinking your going get high quality merchandise…but on the other hand I have found some nice very expensive things in thrift stores…idk” Her response was, “Lol. I know. But you have too really sort through the junk” The point is that being single no matter how old you are being able and willing to “Sort through the junk”. Most of my “junk” is in me so I’m attracting that same “junk”.
hello mandy im enjoying your page here on fb..im here in Philippines.Im 34 yrs old and enjoying my life as single woman,im active in my church.2 yrs ago i have bf who cheated on me.and after that though brokenhearted i have my family and real friends who support me,I always pray and learned lesson in the hard way but im here now looking fabulous and happy coz i believe that God is looking at me right now saying im special.☺
Mandy you are sent by God , Ibeen even taking pills to sleep , cause I been dealing with so much stuff nowadays , this morning I asked God to help me dealing with all these I am going through sometimes I do feel lonely , even though I don´t like to recognize it , I feel tired , but for some reason when I read that …You are not alone , I felt it was God telling me that , I am so blessed by the things you write , I am not in United States so I requested my Mom to buy me your books and send them , too bad the page and the things you write are not in spanich too , imagine I know so many women in my country who would be so blessed by the things you write , blessings !
I have been divorced since 1979. 38 years old. I worked full time in trucking transportation that i loved, refinanced our home, paid him off and kept the house so my kids could remain in the same school and keep same freinds, raised two children 15 yr old girl and 10 year old son. Keeping the house up with outside and inside work. Attended the games for cheerleaders and drill teams for her, baseball, football, and basketball games for my son. When I got divorced my ex husband NEVER asked for visitation, made 2 child support payments and took them to pizza one which I forced them to go with him, he was drunk and fell asleep with his face in the pizza. I dated off and on but never nothing serious. I lost my job due company closure so I moved to St. Paul, Mn to be closer to my grandchildren. A year ago last September we had cuts and in lost my job. I think it was because of my age and should have pushed it with the compsny but i didnt. So here I was 71 years and now WHAT! I looked for a job but am only interested in transportation, but dispacher/customer service is very stressful and I would like something where I work from 7 am to 4pm and leave, which isn’t the case with trucking jobs. I joined Match for over 50. So many loser liked that I had owned my home and had money never mind that they where older to but wanted younger women. Why is it men want Miss America but they can look like they all are from the back hills beer belly and all. . My church as a group for seniors but all are married. I don’t know if you know or not but married ladies don’t want divorced women hanging around. So now that I opened my heart to you, I am asking what do you suggest I do!
I have made myself happy for a long time – I have a great job, I study, have a lovely family and a great home, and yet I am still single. I like who I am, I like the life I have. Yet it is so so hard to still be single and in my 30’s. It takes so much energy to remain positive and happy that I am starting to crumble – I remember going to church and being told that God will never give us more than we can handle – but this is becoming way more than I can handle each and every day. This loneliness and pain at being the only person out of everyone I know is a huge burden on me, and my I feel like a piece of me withers every time something doesn’t work out, or somebody else gets married. I don’t know what else to do. – not giving in to the hopelessness drains me and I am slowly burning out.
I’m still trying to figure out how to stop “trying”.