The Single Woman’s 30-Day Blogging Challenge: Day 1
How do you respond to “And why are you still single?”
This is by far my least favorite question as a single woman. It seems to always be asked in an accusatory or suspicious tone, like either there’s something tragically wrong with me that has made me still single or that I should somehow be ashamed of the fact that I am, in fact, still single. I’ve never really understood the question, honestly. I mean, how would our married and taken friends who we know for a fact have lousy marriages and relationships respond if we turned the tables on them and said: “And why are YOU still married?!?”
On most days, when I’m feeling sassy, I’ll respond to this question with a cheeky: “Because I’m too fabulous to settle!” But I asked you guys to be REAL with this blog challenge, so I want to lift the shiny veneer of my snappy little one-liner and tell you that I don’t know why I am still single. I mean, I know why I NEEDED to be single until this stage in my life, in order to become “The Single Woman” and inspire single women like me across the world, so I’m totally on board with God’s plan to still be single. But logically, why am I still single? Well, let’s see….
I’ve talked about marriage with three guys. One with whom I honestly got commitment-phobic and picked silly arguments with until we broke up and he wouldn’t take me back (and girls, this guy was GREAT on paper and in reality. He was honestly a dream guy. And I can honestly admit that I blew it). The second guy was the horrible ex who inspired the creation of “The Single Woman.” He felt like it was a good idea, about a month after I broke up with him, to send me a drunken proposal via text message at three in the morning. Every girl’s dream, right?!? And the third was Mr. E, i.e. my “Mr. Big-like” one-again, off-again ex who thought it would be grand to shut down a diamond store in NYC and show me engagement rings. Which sounds great and romantic and like something ripped straight from the movie Sweet Home Alabama, but unlike Patrick Dempsey’s character in the film, Mr. E. neglected to actually, well…propose. Which is sort of problematic when it comes to getting engaged. (The full and unbelievable story will be in my second book, I’ve Never Been to Vegas But My Luggage Has, out in March 2014.)
So. Three guys. Three different discussions about marriage. No marriages. What gives?
Late at night, when I’m happily snuggled down in my covers watching reruns of Spin City and The Golden Girls (am I 80?), and being really honest with myself, the truth comes to me: I’m still single because I want to be. Granted, none of the three guys were “The One” for me…but I have had opportunities. And I didn’t miss the opportunities. The opportunities missed ME. Either because I was running scared or running away from a toxic person or running away from something that looked a whole lot like gold but turned out to be glitter. Sometimes I ran because I needed to. And sometimes I ran because I WANTED to. But what I think it comes down to is this: I haven’t yet met anyone who makes me want to stop running. I like to think that when I DO meet “The One,” I’ll suddenly be hit with the overwhelming urge to Just. Stand. Still.
So here’s to finding the one that makes me want to stand still.
You’re invited to join in my 30-Day Blogging Challenge! All the details HERE!
divorced….27 yrs and counting
I’m still single because I am waiting for someone amazing. It’s crazy how hard it is to find someone who simply wants to share your life and vice versa. Or someone who can understand that my family is very important to me. Not that I would ever give them up or that my family would begrudge me my happiness but come on! If the phone rings at 5am from my Mum…I’m going to answer. If my cousin, who’s always been there for me, calls me and needs a place to stay or to borrow 80 dollars then I’m going to do it. I do have boundaries and everything like that but this is my family. As crazy and annoying as they can be…they are mine. The one guy I almost married didn’t get it and every guy since then has either got it but couldn’t understand my need to have q life outside “our bubble”. So…maybe I’m single because I’m tired of trying to wade through the dating piranha invested waters (because some guy asking you to consign for a jetski is an awesome dating experience – NOT). But for now, being single works for me. I get to spend time with my art, my family, my friends and strolling down my path in life…which has no sign hahaha but I’m okay with it. Does that make sense? Like I said…it’s going to have to be someone amazing to take me from single to relationship. Till then, there is nothing stopping me from being happy 🙂
I am still single b/c I rarely meet single men. On the rare occasion that I do meet a single man, he is either happy being single, only wants sex, or is not interested in me. I am not single by choice but by my circumstances.
Coming from a small town I am constantly bombarded with this question, when I return home for a visit. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!! It makes me feel like something is tragically wrong with me because I’m not married, bored, with kids crawling all over me. I love your snappy one-liner and truly might have to use it from time to time. 🙂 Truth is, I’m a runner too. In the past five years I have ran when the guy is toxic, when the guy is mediocre, when the guy is too into himself because he’s the “typical musician” and now running from a guy who is perfect from a “wordly” standpoint but I’m running because I NEED to and because I feel Lord leading me to something different in life. I’m at the exact place you seem to be….running until someone makes me stand still. Till then….
I am still single because God is still working on me and preparing the one for me for what God has instore for us. I have many days when I get down…like today but try to keep myself busy so I do not think about it. For some reason, I have kept exes around hoping for a happy-ending but that is just not happening. I am working on getting over my fear of being alone and simply just living and enjoying life. My three closet friends are all in relationships, so I always feel like the odd one out..trying to overcome that as well. I am taking it one day at a time because I am so tired of being hurt and disappointed.
Here’s my “response” to Day 1. Thank you for this challenge!
When people ask me why I am still single, I tell them it is because I haven’t met a man that treats me better than I do.
Hi Mandy! I finally bought your book today because I felt compelled to. I believed it was/is something I needed for myself in this season of my life. I’ve enjoyed your posts on your Facebook page and they have been very inspirational in my getting over things, letting go, and being “OK” with being single (although I’m not there 100% yet). What came to mind while reading your post on “Why are you still single?” was that I haven’t even gotten to the point of a relationship with a guy nor has one been discussed. I guess you could say I’m a late bloomer in life when it comes to guys and dating but the last couple of months I have dated one guy that went crazy over a simple question and one guy who is stuck on his ex (understandably so since they were together for 8 years). However, unlike your situation I don’t feel like I was running from anything. I have longed for and desired a companion, a boyfriend, a relationship that will ultimately lead to marriage and a family. So if I propose this question to you: if I’m not running from these guys and I’m ready and willing to be committed and compromise, then what action am I doing? I’m not settling by any means but am I searching for a connection in all the wrong places, guys and ways? I have a very strong faith and belief in God and His will as well as a very supportive group of friends. However, none of them can solve the confliction and feeling of hopelessness I have within me on why I’m still single when all my friends are married, have kids, or married with kids.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. 🙂
Hello, Jillian! I completely understand your feelings. I am 31 and have never been married or had children. My younger sister has been married for 9 years and has two precious girls. Most of my friends have been married, remarried and have children. I used to have many moments of feeling bitter, worthless, jealous and the list goes on. I have honestly cried looking at facebook posts of my friends with their families. Although I do still have those lonely moments, I have learned to enjoy my life with the state I am in. I decided to go to school and earn a college degree. I will be graduating with my bachelor’s in a few months! I also enjoy helping with things at my church and volunteering with fundraising for various organizations. I have talked with different guys but something just doesn’t seem to click. I think a person will truly know in their heart if something is right or not. I don’t believe I am running either but the right person hasn’t ran to me yet. I think it is important to love yourself (not saying you don’t) and not rely on a man for validation. Believe me, I want more than anything to meet the man of my dreams and have children. It has been my desire for years now. But, I want to live life to the fullest now! I pray that you find the person you are meant to be with. It will happen! I hope those feelings of hopelessness will dissolve. I have been there too. But remember, you have hope in Christ. Be blessed.
I sometimes say “Just lucky I guess.” xoxo
Totally stealing this!
I don’t have a blog, do I need to create one for this ?
Up to you! 🙂
Hi! First off I LOVE your blog, I am choosing not create a blog. I am a grad student and honestly should probably focused on other things but I would like to thank you for the opportunity and idea! I have literally dipped, ducked, and dived my way around and out of relationships. I am completely sprinting away from them. After being in back to back relationships where living my own independent life caused issues and in the end both men decided cheating was a better option, I was completely devastated. I learned that being in a relationship should add value not weight to my life. I picked up my bags and completely changed my life. For the first time I found out what truly doing the things I wanted to do meant.
People are often times shocked when they find out I am still single. When asked why, they are even more shocked when I tell them that I have fallen in love with the life God has blessed me with. Thank you for the realization that yes, like you, I do want to be single. Opportunities have missed me because I have been too busy creating opportunities to do the things that I’ve wanted to. If God wants there to be a man in my life, this man will be able to keep up with every pace.
I recently found that man. However, the races we are running are taking us on a journey 1600 miles in opposite directions. I do not know what God has in store, but I do know that waiting for someone who can’t keep up isn’t worth it.
I relate to your stories so well. I am so glad I found your blog, book, and Facebook page. I have paid a therapist lots of money to find out why I sabotage relationships, my weight, etc. One thing that I always find in our conversations is that “I want to be single.” Of course I long for a relationship, marriage, family…the whole she-bang, but no one I’ve met so far has made me want to stop running. Friends tell me I’m “too picky” and maybe I am, but I have seen so many rotten relationships that I just wont settle for less. Thank you for sharing your journey! I love the balance you exhibit as a Godly-girl in the “real” world.
Hi! I made the mistake and jumped into marriage twice. Does saying “I’ve been married twice” sound any better than I’ve never been married? Doubtful but after 11 years as a single woman (now age 45), I’m too fabulous to settle! In the meantime, I’m going to wait and be still until he finds me!
Thanks for your inspiration and encouraging words.
Yes.>> I been married twice and LUVE found me , having no expectations and unexpectedly slowly but surely , when we both realized that we still don’t enough of each other and it’s been two years and only gets better and better. I am 36–married twice and great things and lessons learned and my two beautiful boys happened. A third marriage is in question, not sure.. 🙂 i’ll keep you tuned.
You Are Right That Question Is Annoying…People Toss The Question Around So Easy. As If You Are Going To Say I’m A Crazy Person That’s Why!! LoL!!
hi, im not really a blogger and haven’t written anything close to a blog…but i chance upon this challenge and since im legit, Single and all… 😉 , just wanna share this “something” i made. im single because maybe this is what is written in my stars, for now. 😉
14 October 2012 at 00:45
if it were up to me, i would say i’m perfectly okay all by myself…not in a relationship…without a partner…
alone but not lonely…happy…contented? tell me you know who is….human nature knows no contentment…
you see, my predicament is the peer pressure around me…
people who expect me to be with someone else as they see this as the norm…
it’s not that i don’t get their point…i am aware of their sincerity…
but this has just become so old news to me, at some point this must stop…
i am single…unattached…not in a relationship…
i have always been…i might always be…
don’t ask me why…i just am…
don’t think i don’t know where this might lead me…
the thought is with me all the time…
it used to haunt me, but now it’s just a mere frequent visitor…
but im not worried…’coz there is no deadline…
you would know that if you have enough Faith…
Faith and Acceptance…
acceptance that i might end up old single…
if that’s how God fated me…then it shall be…
you might wonder don’t i wish im in a relationship though? of course i do…who isn’t?
do i wanna get married and have kids? it’s most women’s dream right?
i wanna be in a relationship…i dream of a wedding for myself… i yearn to be a mother…
but i am neither of those things…and i already have come to term with myself with that…
i am exhausted from disappoinment…i have been hurt quite a few times already…
trust me i tried but i fail,fail all the time…
i don’t want any more failures ‘coz it makes me question myself…
and i end up not being fair with whom i have known myself to be…
there are those who tried…who attempted…but somehow retracted after awhile…
i honestly don’t know what could have happened…what could i have done…
just when i thought sparks are there…they just suddenly dump me in the dark…
am i physically repulsive? no…
am i dumb? no…
am i boring? you could ask my friends about that…
what is it then? is it b’coz i am smart? b’coz i know i am…
hell, i am not the presidential-kind-of-smart…
i am just the normal-people-kind-of-smart so why would that even be the reason???do guys nowadays prefer the low-IQ-so-they-could-make-a-fool-of-them-easily kind of women?
forgive me for my bluntness…that’s just the work of my smart mouth and not my rational mind…
i just can’t figure it out and im done figuring it out…
call me bitter…call me quitter…
but i am happy as it is…
there’s a missing part…there will always be…
but if we know what we want…we will always know which blank to fill…
and just so you know, i am just pushing 30…
so time is still with me…i wasn’t early…but i am not behind either…
who knows when the right time is?
in the end,it still comes down to having faith…
trust that God has something brewing for you…
it may not be what you want…but He knows exactly it’s what you need…
i am single…
don’t ask me why…
i just am…
yes, we are on the same boat. (almost) totally. i used to think (sometimes i still do) that something may be wrong with me. but thankfully those are just fleeting crazy moments. i also used to say it’s by singlehood by choice to protect myself from potential hurt of facing that there’s really no one around i saw myself being with. most of time, there really was just nobody. but after turning 32, i told myself that if someone will come along, or if there’s none, i’ll be just fine.
Wow your message pretty made most of us here stunned.
You’re such a strong woman. Keep up the faith, stay strong and keep in His track.
God bless! 🙂
I am taking time to work on me. When the time comes, I will find him or he will find me.
The REAL answer has been one of the following:
A.) Fear – I am an only child in a relatively small family and I watched my parents marriage disintegrate right before my eyes after 13 years. I don’t have a lot of great examples around me. I definitely believe marriage is for life so I have been somewhat fearful of the permanence of it.
B.) I’ve been busy. – this sounds silly but I have had points in my life where I have put all my energy into work, volunteering and taking care of my parent that dating & marriage haven’t even made it on the radar.
C.) Selfishness – this is probably the stage I am in right now. Yes, I get lonely. And, if I see one more picture of some stinkin happy couple kissing on my Facebook feed I will probably stick a fork in my head…but, the truth is I like my life. I like not having to clear decisions or plans with someone else. I like being able to do things on a whim and not feel guilty about spending money on a pedicure every once in a while, etc., etc. I am now over 40 and, yes, I have a cat. I have become the woman I was once terrified of becoming – but it’s really not bad. So, for the most part, I am happy where I am.
Also, I now figure I am safe from becoming that ‘crazy single lady’ as long as I keep it to one cat. I’m good! 🙂
I did it!
ok – u had the three “almost married ex’s” but u dumped them!! how do you answer the “why are you still single?” question if you were the one broken up with and heartbroken because you thought, hey, maybe he IS the one?
@ Deb maybe you are still single because of fear?
I was married for olmost 16 years. I’ve now been divorced for 4 1/2 years. When people ask me I simply say, “Because I am working on being the best ME I can be.”
Here are my thoughts on the topic – http://bigpittstop.blogspot.com/2013/10/that-annoying-question.html
Loved your answers…. Very well put!!
Much much better explanation! I always feel compelled to point out my flaws to explain my “status”….but the truth is I really do want to be, or else I would be…I do have options…But, does it count when you know they’re not your type, at all???? Lol
I am 57 and still single and most, if not all, my friends have been married more than once. Need I say more. I REFUSE TO SETTLE as well. 😉
I honestly think I am single because of fear. I have been married before, twice. Both ended in divorces & I’m just really scared of choosing the wrong mate again. I don’t want to go through that again, or put my children through it.
Ah…answer is very simple and honest…I am single because I want to be . I am free spirited person and most of the time I enjoy my own company ! Is not that fabfully wonderful.
Lata, it’s nice to see an Indian woman on here admit to what you have! I am 33, single, never been married and absolutely love my life the way it is. Like you I enjoy my own company and never feel like I am alone and honestly it is the best feeling ever! I laugh when people say to me “but how can you be happy when you’re alone?” I just smile back at them 🙂
Divorced @ 30, I think I’m single because I’ve had marraige experience before, where I had to get approval 1st before doing anything, I was cheated on, emotionally abused, what ever I did was not good enough hence my self esteem droped, but now I make my own choices and my mistakes I learn from them. I have so much confidence now its unbelievable, thanx to your book as well for the inspiration. It got me @ the ryt time…so by that I’m single by choice..
“And Why Are You Still Single?!” Probably one of the most dreaded questions ever. Usually it is at family reunions when everyone is showing off their new special someone, or even their baby. My favorite is when I get that question from the guy I randomly bump into with my Friday nights out with the girls. “And why is a girl like you still single?” Well let’s be honest, most of it is by choice. My choice in the sense that I am beyond tired of dating “those guys,” and God’s choice because He hasn’t finished molding me for “the guy.” I’ve had my fair share of what now I know to be runner ups in the Mr. Right category, but never any that were Mr. Right himself. Hence why I am responding to this blog question. I am also still answering this age old question because quite honestly I’ve been through a lot of faux relationships fit for an episode of Maury. No, I don’t have a baby and need to know who the father is. Thank the good Lord! I however; have had my fair share of uses for a lie detector test in my relationships. So with that being said…. I am still single because I haven’t accidentally ran my buggy into Mr. Right’s at the grocery store, but have crashed and burned into all the Mr. Wrongs.
COUNT ME IN for the challenge. Here is my link up for Day 1: http://clothedinlove.org/2013/10/05/day-1-the-single-womans-30-day-blogging-challenge/
I was married at 26 and divorced at 31. I’ve truly been in love once in my life however I’ve had different relationships over the years. Now I’m 37 and a single mama of a soon to be 8 yr old little boy and I’ve gone back and forth over trying to focus on re-booting the independent happy me I once was prior to the dysfunction that was my marriage. You try to keep from your baggage becoming someone else’s baggage but then the worrying over your baggage becomes additional baggage and well- who wants to bring someone else into all that? Then as a successful single businesswoman most dates have not been with guys who bring more to the table and as shallow as this might sound I want someone who is more driven than I am who I won’t have to be the primary breadwinner. I would love an equal partnership and someone who can make me think and laugh. My career and my family life leave little room to meet that unique someone so in the meantime I am content to better myself for me and my son.
I’m in, started day 1 today.
When I get that question my answer has varied over the years (age 42 never married or kids) from A: “If I knew the answer maybe I wouldn’t be single now hah?” To “Apparently I keep finding the wrong guys like you” (if asked by a guy, because please worst pick up line ever!) then a less rude approach…. “Im to good for most men” That is basically why anyhow at least whet Im told by most men I date… a cop out I know! But yes I am too good for a man that cant handle a really good women. I could be a BIG BITCH it seems and keep a man real easy, but that wouldn’t be me. I don’t put up with a lot but I do find Im a reasonable person. Is that a problem, I think not. Yet here I am Single. Not bitter about that any more… MY question I hate even more than “why single still?” is what usually comes after…. “why don’t you have any kids?” Are you serious!! If I never married why would I have kids?? I do say that to people… and they say “well, you can have kids and not married?” I ALWAYS respond well “I want better than that in my life” (snot saying being single parent is bad, I know its hard) OR the “well don’t you want kids?” Its exhausting how people act as if being never married and no kids in my 40’s is so bizarre!! My response is always… “If God wants to bless me with a child he will, I trust his plan” then that usually stops them there!
I am single, becasue I truly believe God wants me at this place and time to be single. I was single for a long time. Married an awseome man and seven years ago lost him to a heart attacck. I pray every day that God sends me another love that Loves the Lord and me and my family. I have no childern and I live alone, but right now I am not feeling lonely at all. Loving life and all it brings… Thanks for this…Jay
So I’ve decided to take the 30 day single woman challenge. I think it may help me understand things a little better about myself. Day 1 is “how do you answer the question “why are you single” ” I usually come up with some sarcastic or witty response like “because I like dating a$$holes” or “I wish I knew” when the truth is, I do know. I am still single because I pick the wrong men. I actually pick the exact “same” man each time, although I convince myself that they are completely different. Sure they look different. And they have different jobs, backgrounds, family values. However they are all emotionally unavailable. Whether it be newly divorced, hurt by a previous relationship, currently separated….title and story doesnt matter. End result is always the same. Someone else broke them and I feel the need to save them. And when I’m done…..they are ready to date again. Just not with me Now that I know what I do time and time again, I’d like to figure out why I do it. Do I get sucked into believing they are emotionally healthy, yes. Even though rationally I know it can’t be true based on their “baggage”. Do I have a compulsive need to help people and feel important to them, yes. Although this goes beyond that. Maybe I want to share my experiences and knowledge with them. Or maybe I’m afraid of a long lasting healthy relationship. Hopefully I’ll figure this out before i find myself with another broken heart.
@ Nikki – what great self awareness. I can relate to very much of what you said. For me, I am the common denominator in the men that I date and since THEY change, but some of their qualities are similar than there is certainly a connection there. I’ve done alot of work on why I’m attracted to unavailable men and there have been ones that I have initially not been attracted to, but the minute they didn’t want me anymore you better believe they took on a new sheen of glitter and gold. I tried to examine my behavior patterns and realized that a large part of it was based on fear of many different things – fear of rejection, fear of someone seeing the “real me”, fear of not being good enough, fear of being hurt, fear of disappointment, fear of failure, etc. I’ve tried to save men by trying to “help them”, but in the end I realized that it isn’t my job to save anyone else. It’s not my job to make someone see the light, it’s my job to take responsibility for my own journey and to work on my own personal growth so I am in a better place to meet someone who can SHARE and grow along side of me.
I married a man i could fix,; divorced for 9 years because of investing time in going back to school and making sure my son would stay sane (dysfunctional father). My tendency was to find men I could fix, not any more! I am on the way of meeting a healthy imperfect man just like me! Meanwhile I have had to accept my fear of abandonment, rejection, and “I am not worthy if a quality man” syndrome”! Again, this is NOT the case anymore! I have faced my fears head on and dealt with them! Many times God puts opportunities in front of us, but we can’t receive them because of fear. God’s will is NOT singleness forever, but we can block HIS blessings from manifesting! I have in the past; not anymore!! My love to all you wonderful women!! Giselle
Why Am I Still Single?
I am STILL single because …
I do not fall “in-like” with guys easily.
I do not enjoy dating.
I want the next guy I date to be the last.
I want to find a man who “has to seek God first to find me.”
I am afraid to get hurt, again.
I value my independence.
I am STILL learning about who I am and what I want out of life.
I am focused on my career and graduate school.
I am afraid to let go of control.
I have several insecurities and scars from my last long-term relationship.
I joke about having a thousand cats.
I do not go out enough to places where I can meet quality guys.
And …. I am STILL single because …I have not met a guy that challenges me to be a better person … or who opens up my eyes to other worlds and possibilities … or who sees ME first [my heart, my soul and my intellect] instead of my curves and looks. This is WHY I am still single.
Nailed it! Right there with you!
I love this! I’ve been reading your posts for ages now and can’t wait to read your new book! 🙂
why lets see im still single because i am a single mother who has chosen to raise her kids first . then another reason is i just cant find a man who is stronger than i am someone i can lean on if i need to whom will be there for me instead of me taking care of them .between work the kids n grandson the gym i just dont have alot of time either
Once again, this is going to sound crazy, but most people I meet tell me to “Stay single and do not be in any rush.” Now mind you I am in my 40’s, loving life and enjoying all God is revealling to me in this season. On rare occasion when I am asked why am I still single, I usually respond that “I am waiting on the one God has for me.” This answer leaves them speechless and nodding their head in agreement everytime.
It’s simple. I am single because it is not the right time for me to be in a serious relationship or marriage. I actually want to be single. Yes, I get lonely. Yes, I ask God why I am waiting. But, deep down I know I am not ready and do not want to sacrifice my selfishness at this time. I believe God is still preparing me and will send my husband to me when the time is right. I’m at a point in which I am enjoying the “Perks of Singleness”. There are plenty!! I couldn’t appreciate these perks at 25; but at 28, I have plenty of friends who are married and I get to see the inter-workings of their unions and do not envy them.
My sassy comment to the question is usually, “Because I have standards that cannot be compromised”. 🙂
Here is my blog: http://chicasoltera.wordpress.com/
I’m still single because its wjat I choose. I’ve bwen divorces for a year and even though my ex n I had talked about a second chance the truth is we are not ready. I for one choose to stay in Gods path in his love and grace. I’m filling myself and surrounding myself with godly people who support me an pray for me. I’m finding myself in love with God and hope that who ever comes into my life will also have that same desire for God!
I think the “why aren’t you married” and the “don’t you want to be married” questions are incredibly rude. They imply that there is something wrong with you (and I’ve been asked that before too). I usually tell the boob that asks me why I’m not married that I just haven’t had time to go down to the husband store and pick one out. Marriage is something that I grew up thinking that you are supposed to do, but it honestly has never been one of my priorities. I am very independent, I love my freedom and I am committed to my career. I will only marry if I am completely in love with someone who values me as an equal partner. I have not met that person in my life journey, and if I don’t then I’m ok with that. I guess I just found my new answer!
I absolutely agree with you Melissa. I don’t understand why is that as a woman you are expected to get married like it’s the only thing to do once you are in your 20s or 30s. For me, a wedding does not even feature in my dreams. I think travelling, getting my PH.D and enjoying life as it comes.
Welp. I was in a 4 year relationship with a wonderful guy and I couldn’t have screwed up more than I did. Of course he left me. After that I was heartbroken and depressed, then I lost my job. I felt like I hit rock bottom. Now I’m picking up the pieces and putting myself back together and trying to create the best me for myself and for someone else. I don’t wanna be single but I know I’m not in a place to be committed to someone else like I want to be.
When asked this question I have 3 answers, depending on who asks and my mood. 1) “I don’t want to get married becsuse it’s expected of me; I’ll know if it’s right.” 2) “I’m happy and that’s all that matters.”, and 3) “You should meet mother, you two would have a lot to talk about”.
I’m a few days behind but here’s what I have to say:
I decided to start today! Still a bit thing about sharing my personal thoughts and feelings but here goes nothing 🙂
ohh here’s my blog address, forgot to put it here 🙂
Wow! I am so glad I found this blog. I am a serial monogamist! I have never been single for long and now my little brother has stepped in. After two failed relationships, both lasted 2 years and both had marriage discussion. Now I am single again and my brother gave me minimum 6 months to stay out of a relationship. I am not good at being alone! I need a good support system.
I am single because I have trust issues. I dated this guy since I was 17 when I was 23 I found out that he had been cheated on me for years. I went nearly 3 yrs without being intimate after this ordeal. Finally last year I dated this friend whom I believed to be my soulmate. He has everything that I have ever wanted in a guy. I was scared to get involved at first because I did not want to mess up our friendship. Unfortunately, I gave in to him after a while. After six months, he called it quit. I did more with my friend turned lover in six months than I ever did with the guy I dated for six years. He has long moved on and is in a committed relationship. I am still stuck with him on my mind and it has been over a year. I do not try to meet new people because I know I have no room to let someone else in at the moment.
After a leaving an abusive husband of four years. I was the shell of a woman I once was. Then I met N. East coast boy, cute! stole my heart and money and the last thread of spine I had left. Stayed single for a while. Friends tried to get me to try dating sites. I gave in and once again the man of my dreams was a game playing fake. I have decided that I love me too much to share with anybody. Until God delivers him to my feet. I shall stay beautifully sexily single
I think I’m still single because I want to be. I know I deserved better than the past boys that asked me out/wanted to date me. I knew they were not date material for me. Another reason I think I’m still single is because I’m picky. I don’t go looking for love I let it come find me, just like with dating I let the boys ask me out rather than me asking them out. (even if I liked them). My mind is focused on so many other things at this point in my life that having a boyfriend right now might be a distraction for me . I have had plenty of people ask me why I’m single like it was wrong or weird for me to be single. They would never believe me when I said because I want to or I like being single. But a part of me seems to fear being in a relationship and it could be trust issues or fear of commitment. Overall, I think there’s nothing wrong with being single and loving it. I know God will put someone in my life at the right time that will be my future husband someday!
I don’t think I should have to explain my singleness, this is the season I am in at the moment!
I just came across your blog, and love it! I will keep coming back and see how you do with the 30 day challenge. Here’s a post I wrote on my blog about The Single Life.
The only reason I can find that I’m still single is because God is holding out on sending me my one for now. I firmly believe it will happen in His time & I just have to be patient. I’m certain it will be amazing when it does happen. I’ll be 34 in a couple of months & definitely do feel that clock ticking but I have to be still…
Wow…this was AMAZING and just what i needed to read today…I’m still running. So I definitely related to your lines “I like to think that when I DO meet “The One,” I’ll suddenly be hit with the overwhelming urge to Just. Stand. Still.
So here’s to finding the one that makes me want to stand still.”
why are you still single?”
I am single right now because I am scared to fell inlove and get hurt. I was hurt big time when Four months ago I i just found out that the person that I am going out with for about four years got his girl in the Philippines pregnant. That was a really baddest thing that happen. I just wanted to concentrate in my life and improve myself.
My biggest fear as a single person.
Paying bills. It is harder to live as a single person. I see so many women starting their own businesses and a lot of them are married so someone is paying the mortgage. I have only me and it is harder to have freedom on a single income where everything is dependent on me.
Well, it’s not just about the questions it’s the quarky stares and the sarcastic comments. The reason I am single is that I like being independent. I am concentrating on postgraduate studies and quite frankly I just love my space. I hear and see enough frustrations on people who are supposedly in “happy relationships”. I had a great guy whom I split up with recently (2 months) due to career commitment. He was very supportive and still is. I feel that God wants me to understand myself and go out there and enjoy my life without me being entangled to anyone. That’s exactly what I am doing and my family doesn’t get it but I thank God that I have friends who understand this. They are doing the same and we support and empower each other. I like this very much.
The longest relationship I’ve been in lasted for less than 6 months! Av met lots of guys who I thought would finally be ‘the one’ but I find myself running at every single time. They are just not good enough. They just won’t cut it for me. Av asked myself, God and my friends that question so many times because I believed there was something wrong with me. I needed an answer so that I could change that thing n make myself dateable. Some of my friends told me its because I don’t need people , others maybe its because I look too holy or serious. For sometime I believed that i had a problem with me coz all men can’t have a problem! So i decided to tell myself that i was too good for any man which worked until my friends and family started throwing their relationships in my face! i used to ask myself, if they could, why couldn’t I?? What’s wrong with me????
Recently, i started reading ur tweets and about ur book and I eventually followed U on twitter. And my God, av never felt so empowered in my life as a single woman! So my answer to that incredibly annoying question today and i firmly believe it is, God is still teaching me, preparing me and making a better woman. So until that man shows up on my door, am going to be single and living my life to the fullest.
Thank you Mandy Hale for this. I found out about the single woman wen i very much needed it. And am now recommending it to all my single friends!
To all the single ladies, may God bless u with more wisdom n knowledge n courage n strength!
I’m diving in! I’d love for you to follow my blog challenge endeavors! I’m looking forward to 30 days of self-exploration (or 26 days since I went ahead and did days 1-4 in one post LOL)!! =)
Well I don’t get the why are you still single question much even at 32 but when I do I just say I’m not ready or still enjoying myself. I do hear more “don’t worry you’ll find the one!” & then I think who said I was looking for “the one” right now…. Lol
I always answer honestly but how much detail I go into usually depends on the person. With some people, I simply respond, “we got married too young and though we worked really hard for 21 years, it just didn’t work out.” For closer friends or those I might want to get closer to, I still share the truth. “We got married too young and though we overcame MANY obstacles, we did not have a godly marriage. I was searching for something more. Now I know that I wanted a spiritual partner, someone who would pray with me and for me. But at the time, I thought I wanted to experience physical intimacy with someone else and so I let Satan trick me into an affair.” Two and a half years later, I am single because I want to fix what was broken in me before I attempt to be anyone else’s wife again.
I’ve been polyamorous most of my adult life. In December of 2012, my husband left me for a woman we had invited into our marriage. It’s quite reasonable when a month later I announced that I had decided I was done with that period of my life – any sort of coupling, tripling, quading, everything but singling. Nobody bought it, not even my therapist. I guess I can step out of myself a bit to see why. But what they can’t do is step into me to feel the feeling I felt around it. I knew I was correct in my assessment. I knew it to my very core, which after so many years of therapy, I know myself pretty damn well. But after many rolled eyes, I shut up. But the reality is, I’m looking at the one year anniversary coming up and now that my son is safe (whole other story), I’m amped about being single. It feels as right as the day I announced it. Good days, bad days, even days when I diss the low rent woman my husband ditched me for, it’s not like I want him back. I don’t. I don’t want him, I don’t want Brad Pitt, I don’t want a partner. I want friends and I want to take classes in beading and start swimming more often and I want to love the barge I live on by myself and I want to enjoy this coming Christmas with my DD 18 year old son. It’s weird to still have the husband around but I tied myself to him through my commitment to my stepchild. I’ve also tied myself to his first wife, the bio mom of my child. She however has become my best friend. He’s someone who helps me take care of my child.
I’ve been looking for a place to do this. I know there have to be others out there going, well, I’m on the last leg (50 here) of this journey. I’ve done the relationship thing. What have I missed? I intend to find out. I do hope that Mr. 12 years isn’t hoping to go round two when low rent uses him as a stepping stone. Not happening. I’m on to other things but not other people though I would like to cultivate more friendships. I can be such a hermit.
I no longer live in the town I grew up in. Ever so often I come back to visit family and friends. On one of these occasions I stopped at a previous place of employment. It had been ages since I had been there. I was catching up with a former workmate and naturally the question got to whether or not I was married or not. When I responded her reaction was over the top. “Oh really? Well that’s ok. That’s ok.” All most like she was validating my singleness. Something I was more then comfortable about. I then told her I was fine with not being married and very thankful for the work I was involved in. I don’t usually care when people ask me and I just answer, “No.”
I’m still single because God has much more in store for me than I’ve even ever envisioned for myself. God’s been calling me to work on my career vocation and the path has never been more clear. I’m finding so much joy in learning and each day, God gives me another chance to serve him. While I’m super stubborn and tried to make non-relationships work out, God has something so much better in store for me. I am still growing and I know I have a long way to go before God is ready for me to meet my future spouse.
Great blog idea! So wonderful to read everyone’s replies and hear people share parts of their story..thanks 🙂
If you asked me a year ago why i am single, the response would be different than it is today. And who knows how these views will progress moving forward. I’ve wanted a special romantic love relationship since I can remember. Today, I lead a very fulfilling life full of gratitude and happiness, yet I do not share this relationship I envision. I’ve struggled with how to want something I don’t have, without fearing that it is not happening at that moment, and without feeling the lack of that relationship BUT not shutting the possibility of it out while living my happy life. Lol, it’s exhausting just to read that!!
Life provides us so many lessons in all areas. In some areas we are faster learners than in other areas. If I had married one of the many man men i’ve dated in my past, I can confidently say to you that I would be divorced today or in a relationship that did not reflect the one I envision and deserve. We are always where we are meant to be.
I’ve been single because I was not ready for the relationship I envision for myself. And it wasn’t until I connected with the first man who I thought could truly share this type of relationship with me, that I realised I was not ready for it. You see, the relationship I wanted and the person I needed to be to support it, were not congruent. The vision itself was realistic, but I was not honest with where I was at until I had to actually be there.
My primary lesson is about self-love.
And so I am currently single because I am busy falling in love with myself. Not just enjoying my life, but loving me in the process. And until I love myself as much or more than the man I am willing to commit to long-term, then I will continue as a single woman dating myself : )
I am still single because God is still preparing me for His greatest plans. I may or I may not have a partner in life (only God knows that) but nonetheless, He wants me to be prepared.
I am single because I believe I still need to know myself more, to appreciate who I am and discover the purpose of my existence.
I am single because I still need to know how it is to be alone…to be able to appreciate the bigger blessing once I meet the man He hs prepared for me.
Read my 30 day blog challenge
Oh, am I too late for this 30-day challenge? Btw lemme answer the question, “Why are you still single?” I am single because it is my choice. (I am still waiting for that someone who will make me choose otherwise.) I want to do a lot of things on my own and I have dreams to pursue. Of course, I’m also looking forward to that day when I’ll be doing the things that I love with the one I love, but for now, I just want to enjoy my life as a single woman. I’d like to discover myself even more, and I’m actually enjoying the process! I am just 20yo and I’d like to spend the next five or more years with my family and friends (I don’t feel incomplete because of them). I just want to leave it all to God. Btw thank you so much for this blog. You’ve touched my heart in so many ways. I am from the Philippines btw and I am so excited to buy your book! <3
No! Jump in whenever you can! 🙂
Hi! I just started with this blog challenge and today is my Day 1.
Here’s my answer: http://joknut.wordpress.com/2013/10/19/thesws-30-day-challenge-day-1/
Often I say “because guys don’t like me” which is bullshit. I’ve had boyfriends, men in my life. But I have always held on to one that didn’t love me back. Sometimes I say I want to be in live in a movie. Where things are perfect, but life is not perfect. I’m a great, smart, caring, loving women. I deserve love…. I don’t know why I’m single. Am I too picky?
I know it’s a little bit late, but I posted the answer on my blog 🙂
Thank youu 🙂
When people ask me “Why are you still single? You are so pretty!” like I was asked last week by a woman who will be celebrating her 56th wedding anniversary, I either shrug my shoulders or tell them “my story” of how I was proposed to, but how the man I loved left me and never returned. I also tell them how I only say ‘yes’ to marriage once, so therefore I am not going to pursue that road anymore. I am 41 years old, never married and no children. I can honestly say that I am content with where I am at and that God has me here for a reason. It can be lonely at times, but I know I am NEVER alone.
Here’s my Day One answer on my blog 🙂
Thanks for a fabulous blog challenge!
Late start, but here goes….DAY 1-My first blog post….EVER!! http://www.shewrights.com/blog/why-am-i-still-single
I’m still single cause I spend 13 yrs of my life in the wrong relationship. I am finding myself and when I’m ready the right one will find me.
I must say, this is all so interesting. I totally blank when asked this question. At times I laugh and say, I still have a number of things I need to put in place before I can think about taking that road. I had my bar exams and now there’s my new job and next will be my LLM and then I want to travel. I am not bothered about doing all of these things without a male companion to walk with me. I know that it will all work out when it does and all in God’s time 😉 I enjoy my own company and even though it gets lonely at times, I always have my friends or sisters to call on and have the occasional night out. I’m 26 and free spirited. I don’t see why I should be moping around about being single. I love the place I’m at right now! And Julia, I can totally relate to what you wrote and I think I will use that response one of these days
That a question that I always try to aviod bein asked..
I’m still single because i refuse to settle with anyone who will not love and appreciate me for the person i am. i refuse to settle with someone who will complete and not compliment what is already whole. I am still single because im waiting for the Lord to bless me with a man He knows will be all the man he is through Christ.
My friends keep asking why i am still single, telling me i am not getting any younger but i tell them that one day when i have a partner il be happy and thank the Lord that i waited and did not settle with just any Tom, Dick or Harry.
I am single because nobody wants me and I have to accept that it’s not because I have done anything wrong it’s just that it’s not the right time for me and maybe it never will be which scares the hell out of me but it’s better than desperately looking for someone and settling for all the wrong reasons.
I am not single by choice but this is my circumstance and anyone who asks me that question doesn’t know me well enough to warrant an answer so they just a get a smile and a shrug and let them think what they like
How do you respond to “And why are you still single?”
To be completely honest I have been only asked this question as a hint to the other party being interested because it usually ended with a phone number or a relationship. Well, I spoke with marriage honestly with all of my boyfriends (which is less than 10) but I almost got married to just one. We had the date, the venue, bridesmaids, groomsmen etc. all we needed to do was to put the down payments to hold everything. Well, God had an early objection to that One. God slowly revealed to me the character of the man I was going to marry and I was not liking what I was seeing. Next thing, you know God asked me to leave him. So, I did that was about 2 years ago. He moved on with another girl. Yet, I am still single. (Could you feel the twang of jealousy in that last line). So, the question remains: Why am I still single?
I believe that God is still working on me and my husband to be. God’s timing has never been wrong…in the bible and in my life. So, why would I start to doubt him, now? Does this make me less impatient? Depends on the day to be honest. Some days, I can’t help to be filled with the joy of my Savior when other days I feel so …lonely…then a friend texts or calls and God just reaffirms all that He and the people that He purposely placed in my life is also, here for me. I am single because I was tired of doing things my way, especially trying to “convince” a guy to like me by being someone else. I am single because I choose to wait on the Lord.
How do you respond to “And why are you still single?”
After many question/answer situations with my male friends, I have come to the realization that I am still single because I am too independent. I am still single because I am too honest. I am still single because I am very loud. I am still single because I wont settle.
I’ve been told that I need to allow the man to play the role of hero because that will make him feel like he is needed in my life. If I do everything on my own it will leave the guy with nothing. Yet I find myself wanting to do things for myself, to prove to myself that I still can. To not get comfortable depending on someone who could let me down. So I do and do some more things on my own. Then I am upfront and honest right front the start, often times having guys shaking their heads north and south vigorously. They agree with me! I think, but in the end I find out that the only one being honest was me 🙁
I am loud because I like to be heard, I like to have fun, I like to be noticed. Some guys are not into that. So I CHOOSE to not settle until I find a guy who is not bothered or intimidated by my independence. Who chooses to complement my strengths with his own. Who knows that I need his company, love, respect, time and attention and not his bank, handy-man skills or mechanical skills. Who is not afraid to be honest and face life openly with me. Who does not mind my loud mouth because eventually he will need to meet my family and will realize that I am the quietest of them all. Lastly, one that will know that I didn’t need to settle, yet I chose him to be with me.
I found your website yesterday and couldn’t get to the bookstore fast enough. I’ve enjoyed it tremendously so far and have underlined several things I want to remember; however I was a little disappointed to find the book seems to be written for women who have “chosen” to be single. I am not one of them. I was married for 28 years, raised 3 wonderful kids, completely supported my husbands career choice and gave up a few opportunities so that he could climb the ladder of success. Then he divorced me. I didn’t choose to be single and have struggled for over 4 years now with not knowing who I am (spent my entire life as a devoted daughter, wife, mother), no self-esteem, no confidence to start dating (and no prospects for any), loneliness, and the sadness of coming home every day to an empty house. How am I supposed to be happy about that?? I’m just venting, but I cried so hard reading the first few chapters of this book I had to put it down. I dread the thought of possibly having to spend the rest of my life alone. If you write another book someday about single women, please aim it at those of us who didn’t choose the single life and don’t know how to move forward now that we’re here.
Better late than never, right?
“How do you respond to ‘And why are you still single?’”
This is a question I am asked almost daily. I work in a Cigar store, I’m 27 years old and I’m not hurting on looks. I always stumble on this question because I am not single on purpose; it’s not like I’m not trying. I read through some other answers and I feel like I can better answer this question now. I am running, like someone else said, and I am willing to stop when someone gives me the feeling I should stop. I am highly independent, so I don’t NEED to be in a relationship, I would just like to be. I jump around a lot trying to fulfill my dreams. I graduated college, studied abroad in Switzerland, lived two months in Belgium, cam back for a year than was off again to France for a year, then back, commuted an hour to work for a year, then spent this past year at home again, and come next fall, I should be gone to grad school again. So my response is normally “How and where am I supposed to meet someone?”. I’d say that certain someone isn’t ready for me yet, and I’m not ready for him. I have to accomplish my goals before I can completely give myself to someone. So I’ll keep my eyes open for the right person, but until then, I need to keep running. It doesn’t help that my grandmother who raised me (and was a little jaded perhaps) taught me to never rely on a man, to be independent. Of course, she found her soul mate late in life and he was simply a companion.
On a side note, I have tried dating websites. I was once messaged by someone saying that just be reading my profile he was intimidated by me. So, I think I’ll have to look for someone just as driven as I am.
I think that I’m single because I always use my anger as a defense mechanism. Getting angry at one mistake, simply because I think my heart is too precious to be played with. I have ran so many men off with this. Right now, I’m working on toning it down a lot, but also praying for someone that would ease the anger. Someone who gives me reason to relax & trust that all is well.
It’s a relief to know I’m not the only one being bugged by this question. I have been dodging family reunions recently because my sister is getting married and its unlikely that my status would be asked. And to be honest, I really don’t know why I am still single, but I wasn’t tired of that fact, I was tired of the question. I really think that I am just too picky which I am (with food to start with) but then again, I can’t force myself to be with someone who I am not happy to be with just to satisfy other people’s expectations right? I have a few guys in my life, one of which i found out having the plans to trick me into one night stands and finding he is expecting a child. A heavy crush on my childhood acquaintance who doesn’t look my way. An Internet fling who is miles away. I tried to capture the heart of one office mate by courting him myself to no avail. So what do a woman do with this situation? Look again right? And then there’s no one to look for because the good ones are taken. So I took the advise of a good friend and enjoy my life as a single woman. I am enjoying life but was silently waiting for the right guy to enjoy life with. But then that question just won’t go away. What’s worst is that people are already thinking I am a lesbian – which I know I am not. Just been asked earlier this morning by a neighbor who I haven’t seen for like ages. I know he was just trying to connect and all but it was actually annoying. Didn’t hurt him in any way but then again I was actually more agitated because I was not prepared for that question. So I thought the next time someone asks me that question I have this: “you know there is this 8th Wonder of the world – and that is Facebook Status: Single”.
So many men assume I am married when in actuality I am as single as they come. Then the question, ‘are you searching?’ But I am single because of the assumption that I am married and also because like you I haven’t met the one to make me stop running and be serious with. It is hard to be serious about a relationship when you know the other person isn’t. So I remain single, alone but not frightened.
Thank you for your honesty.
I am going to be 35 in November and yes, i am still single. I totally hate how people 1.ask me why im still single and 2. look at me with pity in their eyes because of the fact that i am still single. I havent had any kind of romantic involvement for 2 years now, its hard, today is actually a very hard day for me but i guess God sent me to this blog so i could read and see that there are many women out there like me. I read a comment from a lady called ‘RJ’ and i can totally relate to her experiences. My closest friend, after years of searching, is in relationship and what really hurt is the fact that she will say hurtful things like “Between the two of us, I won” or I will say “I am waiting on God’ and she will respond ‘Im so glad that i dont have to wait anymore’ this has been hurtful, its like she’s gloating and sometimes, i just wish that my waiting period could be over. Anyway, Thank God for sending me to this site. Have a wonderful day all
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