Dash of Sass: Better to Drop HIM Than to Drop Your Standards to Be With Him

Question of the Day:

Dear Mandy,

I just started talking to a new guy. I told him up front I was celibate. He said it was fine. Well, today he asked for nudie pics. I was like wow!! I told him no but now I’m not sure if he’s gonna stick around. Help! What should I do?

Signed,

C

Dear C,

Girl, there are so many things wrong with this, I don’t even know where to begin! Actually, let’s start with what’s RIGHT about it: You making your boundaries clear up front. Kudos to you for being clear about what you are about and not pulling any punches. A lot of people would have been too shy or embarrassed or nervous to be 100% honest from the start of the relationship and let it be known where the relationship would and would not be going. Be proud of yourself for having a plan for yourself and your relationships and sticking to it!

Now. As for the rest of the story. Here’s what I have to shout from the rooftops:

DROP THIS LOSER. NOW! Don’t wait five more minutes or second guess it or allow fear of being alone cause you to hesitate. Call him or email him or go knock on his door and tell him in no uncertain terms that you will not be seeing him again. What bothers me the most about your email is you phrase it: “I’m not sure if he’s gonna stick around.” If he’s going to stick around. HE. HIM. The creep who just blew right past your boundaries and very disrespectfully asked you to send him naked pictures of yourself. Naked pictures of a body that you obviously respect enough to not engage in intimacy outside of marriage. Naked pictures that he will likely circulate to his friends and brag about how awesome he is that he got the girl with boundaries to drop her clothes faster than she dropped her boundaries. Girl, NO. No no NO! Stop giving him the power to “stick around” or NOT “stick around”! He doesn’t even deserve the OPTION to stick around! WHY?

Because a man who doesn’t respect your boundaries does not respect you. Bottom line. Period. End of sentence. Because if he’s asking for naked pictures today, tomorrow he’ll be asking for sex.  Because a man who even ASKS for naked pictures, especially this early in a relationship, isn’t looking for love. He’s looking to satisfy lust. And that is NOT okay. You are not his personal pin-up girl. You are not a lewd fantasy or a cheap thrill. You are a beautiful, precious child of God who deserves someone who respects you too much to ever push or blatantly ignore your boundaries. Please, please love yourself TOO much to keep someone like this in your life. This guy isn’t looking for your heart. He’s looking for a warm body. And the good news is this: He showed his true colors really, really early. And that means you can walk away now before you get your feelings any more involved.

Call me old-fashioned, but if you’re a week or two in, I think this man should be still working up the nerve to hold your hand. He hasn’t earned anything more than that. And he certainly hasn’t earned the right to ask you to remove your clothes for him. The only thing this man has EARNED is removal from your life faster than the clothes he is asking you to drop.

23 Responses to “ Dash of Sass: Better to Drop HIM Than to Drop Your Standards to Be With Him ”

  1. August 29, 2013

    Amen! Very well put, Mandy!

  2. Anna
    September 8, 2013

    I was just in a very similar situation and I needed this too. I hope that C finds herself strong enough to run away as fast as possible. Thank you, Mandy, for always seeming to say the things I need the most at the exact moment I need it! 🙂

  3. Suzy
    October 2, 2013

    Well-said!!!!

  4. shruti
    October 4, 2013

    read this post very very very late!!!!
    hell! but i have learned the most important lesson of life..thanks..

  5. Dee Dee
    October 26, 2013

    I miss the old fashion! Lately in meeting new people, asking for a sexual picture, or the color of my panties seems to be the next day text after a date. And when you lay down your boundaries as I did with the last two people I met…I got a text saying that we wouldn’t work out. They didn’t believe in not having sex right away because if we didn’t hit off on a sexual level than we wouldn’t on a relationship level at all. Ending with you deserve the best and good luck. Really? I just started reading The Single Woman book and I haven’t put it down! Thank you!!! I have value and I am enough! 🙂

    • Stacie
      January 30, 2014

      God would not give you someone that is not compatible with you sexually. After all, HE is the one who created the gift of sex!! HE created marriage, and HE created sex……hand in hand…….to be unified together! If you believe that God brought you together, then you should believe in His ability to make sure that person was the PERFECT FIT for you in every way!!!

  6. Today, I went to the beawch with myy children.
    I found a sea shell and gave it to myy 4 year old daughter and said
    “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She placed tthe shell too her ear and screamed.
    There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear.
    She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to telpl someone!

  7. dessarae
    January 30, 2014

    Love this so much! 🙂 Why everyone now in n today’s day and age thinks it’s totally normal to do this honestly baffles me!

  8. Cat
    January 30, 2014

    Had guys do the same crap to me. Listen to Mandy and say bye bye…

  9. Lynn
    January 30, 2014

    C,
    I experienced the same thing. I met this man and I THOUGHT he was the one. He said all the things I wanted to hear, he told me how much he liked me, how much he treasured me and how he thought we would make an amazing power couple. Until, I shared my commitment to celibacy with him. Here is where the story changes. He told me, he was not willing to wait until marriage for sex and then proceeded to tell me “what I wouldn’t do another woman would”. Needless to say, we no longer communicate. I was disappointed, I was actually hurt (I was starting to feel attached), but then I realized the man that GOD has for me will draw me closer to throne, not pull me away from it. This is not an easy walk, but when your Adam; your Boaz does show up, you will be glad you stood your ground.

  10. Fabiola
    January 30, 2014

    I love that C caught herself and Didn’t give in! Way to go girl! Now, we love and we learn to love ourselves more!

  11. January 30, 2014

    That is awesome Mandy! Love that spirit…..very well said 🙂

  12. InsaneJane
    January 30, 2014

    Not everyone knows what celibate means perhaps.

  13. Sade
    January 30, 2014

    Well said Mandy. Women need to hold on to their integrity. A man who is meant for you will be patient to wait till you’re ready and respect your celibacy. Don’t bring down your standards and continue to fly high!

  14. Tracey
    January 30, 2014

    Great advice Mandy! I too was in a similar situation, he claimed he was a Christian then asked me by text after two dates if I liked porn and had I ever kissed a girl before! Wow!! He’s a gonner!

  15. Simian
    January 31, 2014

    How true…I have to share my story I was with this guy 11urs older than me , it was Oedipus Complex perhaps, as I have lost my dad very early in life. We were together for a while.He stayed awake on phone all nite talking to me and told me how important I was and used flowery language and proposed marriage and all….unfortunately I fell for it and we went out for a weekend trip. We had Sex, it was great but after that his attitude changed , he would not answer my calls and always pretended to be busy and eventually I gave up. He wouldn’t even say what went wrong.
    I just want to warn you gals that be very careful before you sleep with someone…he may just want to use you and would want you to disappear. Value yourself and your dignity. Don’t settle for any jerk.

  16. Patricia
    January 31, 2014

    Kick him to the curb NOW!!!!!

  17. Kerry
    January 31, 2014

    For ‘InsaneJane’ – the guy DID KNOW what ‘celibate’ meant- he just wanted sex!!

    Thanks for your powerful and valuable Response Mandy! 🙂

  18. Jennifer Sotolongo
    February 2, 2014

    love this!!! Couldn’t have said it better myself. It’s good your old fashioned, I think more people should be that way !

  19. March 11, 2014

    i agree to all of your comments & advice! good thing i obeyed God as well when I had an unbeliever for a boyfriend. God is so great to always give us the grace to say no to sin. I had a similar experience. if the guy truly loves you, He will RESPECT AND HONOR your body & your desire for purity. otherwise, he is just manipulating you. I am sooo glad i broke up with my recent boyfriend as I have seen the red flags too early! now i just learned that he just got his new girlfriend pregnant! here’s what i learned: always follow your gut instinct about a guy & be sensitive to the Holy Spirit & obey Him always! and if you have no peace with a certain guy, dump him IMMEDIATELY or don’t ever ever entertain him from the beginning!

  20. April 12, 2014

    I completely agree with Mandy! This guy has to go. I have just recently bought The Single Woman book and it is great! You just have to be prepared that guys will behave this way…but these aren’t guys that are of God – how could they be and act that way? A lot of people say they know God too…and they have no idea what that really means. I’m not perfect at all but I’m glad I know what I do know. The Bible defines love in 1 Corinthians and if the guy does not demonstrate that definition then he’s not for you if you want a Godly man – which is extremely difficult to find! And that’s one reason I am single today at 32 years old…and other reasons. And when a guy asks you something like that….you have to look at what his REAL intentions are. If they really want a meaningful relationship and to get to know you….then that surely wouldn’t come up when you are only getting to know him. Also – if you get any doubts or uncertainties about someone or something that someone said to you…it’s probably God trying to tell you something.

  21. April 30, 2014

    I just divorced recently after a 30 year marriage I was verbally and emotionally abused by my husband who was a hard core sex addict. I mean, counselors and an author on the subject say they have never encountered someone like him. These addicts will say anything to coerce you into doing what they want, I know, my ex did it to me for 20 years. Of course I was the good Christian wife who fell for all his so-called repentance stories. I am so glad that you stood your ground and told him your boundaries up front, but , I was reminded of myself when you said, “I’m not sure hes going to stick around.” That was too close to who I was for me. Don’t do it! Don’t go there! Be happy he goes! He is going to hurt you so much more if you stay with him! Don’t go through what I did….please!

  22. Tracey
    June 3, 2014

    I literally cheered out loud when I read this!!!! HELL YES!! The line about “don’t allow fear of being alone cause you to hesitate” … that’s a huge one for me and there’s no coincidence that I’ve read this tonight. Amazing validation and confirming I need to listen to my gut!

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