Dash of Sass: Releasing the Idea of Someone

Quotes of the Day:

“There’s a difference between loving the idea of someone and actually loving who they really are.” ~Unknown

“Maybe you can try again, instead of loving someone you can’t be with.” ~Unknown

The Single Woman Says:

For those of you who have been following my blog for some time now, you know the story of my “Mr. Big.” And even if you haven’t been following my blog for awhile, I’m sure you immediately get the reference, as most of us have a “Mr. Big.” Someone who dances in and out of our lives for years on end; pretending to commit, even wanting to commit, but ultimately refusing to commit. And though I haven’t spoken to mine since Christmas Day 2011, I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m still not fully over him. Have I moved on with my life? Check! Have I opened my heart to the idea of meeting someone else? Check! Have I dated other people? Check! But have I fully, completely, entirely given up the ghost of Mr. Big? No check.

This morning, though, I read a beautifully written blog about letting go, and it occurred to me, not for the first time, that maybe it’s not Mr. Big I miss or think about or struggle to let go of. No, maybe it’s not him at all. Maybe it’s the IDEA of him. The fanciful, magical, mystical, Hollywood version of him that my heart has rewritten history to create. Why do we do that? Why do we look back on the past and remember only the good and not the bad? Perhaps it’s a defense mechanism. Perhaps it’s our heart’s way of shielding ourselves from the pain of the truth. Or perhaps the great gift of time is that it dulls the memory and tempers the sting of the hurt that someone caused us until all we see or remember is the joy they brought into our lives. It can be a really beautiful thing, this trick of the mind…but it can also be a dangerous thing. It leaves us wanting someone that never really existed. It leaves us remembering something that never really happened (or at least not in the way that we thought.) And it leaves us waiting for someone who left our lives for a reason. Because they didn’t belong there. They no longer fit us. They were holding us back from something, or someone. They didn’t deserve us. Whatever the reason, it’s important in these moments of “rewriting history” to remember that reason…and to realize that the good they brought into our lives could never outweigh the things they took OUT of our lives: our confidence, our hope, our idealism, our belief in love.

There comes a moment in life when all you can do is let go. When you look back just long enough to honestly ask yourself “Am I missing the ACTUAL him, or the IDEA of him?” Because as much magic and mystery and excitement and romance as my Mr. Big brought into my life, he also brought indecision. Confusion. Repeated patterns of inconsistency. I never felt like I was quite “enough” for him to WANT to commit to. I never felt “safe” in the relationship. I always felt like I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. For every tremendous high he brought, he matched that with an equally earth-shattering low. And that’s no way to live. That isn’t love. It’s drama. It’s intensity. It’s a spectacle. But it isn’t love.

Admitting to ourselves that a season of our lives or a person in our lives wasn’t as perfect as our memory likes to recall can be a difficult and even painful thing…but it’s the first step to letting go. Chances are, you released that person from your life and from your heart long ago. Now it’s time for you to release the IDEA of him. To admit to yourself that he really wasn’t that great. Or even if he was, there’s someone or something even GREATER out there for you that he would only serve to hold you back from. It’s time to move on. It’s time to go back and rewrite history once again, only this time with the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. After all, the truth hurts but then it works.

And in the end, the truth about him is the thing that will set you free from the IDEA of him. 


14 Responses to “ Dash of Sass: Releasing the Idea of Someone ”

  1. January 1, 2014

    It took me 6 years to totally get over Mr.Big…..I was the one that ended it with Mr. Big we had drama and a love-hate relationship.After 6 years I finally figiured out why I could not get him out of my head,then one day it came to me, ” It was the feelings of love that I missed feeling!”

    • January 16, 2014

      I had made peace with the fact that I would probably never get over him, its been almost eight years now and I have tried moving on but I cant, Mr Big still plays that big role in my life. After reading this blog and reading the response from your readers Mendy i wish I could get over my Mr Big too but I’m struggling. I love him so much and it scares Me, and He is always there when I need him. that you Mendy I pray someday I will either be with him or Over him…..God help Me.

  2. Stacey
    January 2, 2014

    are you able to share the link of the post you read about letting go? I am currently working on this….and would love to read it!

  3. January 6, 2014

    I love this post.. thanks Mandy!

  4. Lebo
    January 17, 2014

    Just discovered your blogs and loving every single one. You’ve just made my year. Thank you

  5. Janice
    January 23, 2014

    very inspiring..thank God for using you in empowering women of today.

  6. Jo
    February 3, 2014

    Geez, this is so true. Thanks for pointing out the obvious. =)

  7. Jessica
    February 18, 2014

    This is so on point. I’m trying to let this guy go, but I think it’s just the idea of him that I cant let go.

  8. Alison
    February 19, 2014

    Thanks for the words. Help me a lot 🙂

  9. SLW
    March 22, 2014

    Excellent article and right on time. I have beein holding onto A “Mr. Big”, because I missed the idea not the person. After reading this, I am letting go because he no longer fits or belong in my life.

  10. June 11, 2014

    I’ve been separated from my ex-husband for 2 1/2 years and divorced officially almost 1 and last night I stumbled upon a picture of him and ‘the other woman’ He was abusive, unfaithful and not the man for me – he did not deserve me. I am over him but last night after crying from seeing that picture I realized, there was something I wasn’t over. This morning I asked God for some help with this and here I stumble on this blog post… Thank you for your transparency, honestly and inspiration!

  11. Millie
    June 22, 2014

    This is perfect for my situation. I needed this today. I am letting go today. My way right now will be to remove his number from my phone. No temptation to call him or even think that’s it’s possible. Thank you for this!

  12. MTM
    September 11, 2014

    Thank you for writing this Mandy… I needed to hear this. First time that I have a Mr. Big in my life…. didn’t know how terrible it was.

  13. Babydoll
    October 16, 2014

    As soon as I think I am getting over him he pop up. I love him so much I can’t let go. Or maybe in my heart I don’t want to let go.

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Life doesn’t always look the way we want it to look. In Mandy’s upcoming book, Turn Toward the Sun: Releasing What If and Embracing What Is, you’ll find encouragement to live in the moment, sit with your experiences, and trust God with the unknown.
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Something wonderful is on the horizon
Turn Toward the Sun CoverLife doesn’t always look the way we want it to look. In Mandy’s upcoming book, Turn Toward the Sun: Releasing What If and Embracing What Is, you’ll find encouragement to live in the moment, sit with your experiences, and trust God with the unknown.
Preorder from Baker Book House for 40% off and free shipping!*
*US shipping only