The Single Woman’s Dash of Sass: Why “Doubt” Means “Don’t”
Quotes of the Day:
“When it comes to men, deal with them as they are, not how you’d like them to be.” ~Greg Behrendt
“It is in that moment, when you really lay down your cards and see the relationship for what it was, that you’ll find the freedom to let it go.” ~Greg Behrendt
“Trust yourself, because as Oprah says, doubt means don’t every time.” ~Greg Behrendt
The Single Woman Says:
Today I used three quotes by Greg Behrendt because I felt his brilliant simplistic wisdom about men bears repeating. I received a fairly common email from a reader this morning who is having some serious trust issues with the guy she’s dating. The reason I know she’s having trust issues is because she said in the email at least three different times: “And then I accidentally saw his text messages. And then I accidentally saw his Blackberry messages. And then I accidentally answered his phone.” Sweet, precious reader: Before we even begin with the issue at hand, let’s first get real with ourselves. No one accidentally and repeatedly stumbles onto personal, private messages and texts on their significant other’s phone. It just doesn’t happen. You saw those messages because you were specifically looking for them, and that’s Red Flag #1 – No Trust. How do I know this? Because I’ve dated a shady, sneaky, lied-when-the-truth-was-better loser myself! And I’ve done the phone snooping and the Facebook stalking and the text checking and IT IS NO WAY TO LIVE. So before we even address the messages themselves, let’s first clarify the fact that if you have to constantly be peering over someone’s shoulder to see what they’re doing behind your back, you are in the wrong relationship. If there is even a hint of a fear that if you logged into their Facebook page, you’d see direct messages you’re not comfortable with, you’re in the wrong relationship. And if you have allowed a man to turn you into Inspector Gadget, you’re in the wrong relationship. So now that we’ve got THAT settled…
The messages my reader discovered on her boyfriend’s phone were, of course, all to girls and all of a completely inappropriate nature. He’s basically out there openly looking for someone to cheat on her with (if he hasn’t already). And her conundrum is: “What do I do? Do I stay, or do I go? And if I stay, how do I ever trust him again?” And my answer to all of those questions is simple:
Sit under shady trees…but get over shady people.
If you even have to ask the question “Can I trust him?” – there’s your answer. Love, real love, honest love, TRUE love, is not shady. It’s not disloyal. It’s not out there, desperately seeking side nookie. It’s too busy sending YOU sweet text messages and Blackberry messages and Facebook messages to be worried about Random Girls 1, 2 and 3. I know a girl, or should say know OF a girl, who secretly tapes her boyfriend in their home because she has so many trust issues with him. And as another one of my friends succinctly put: “If I have to TAPE you, I don’t belong with you!”
Bottom line, once the trust is gone, the relationship isn’t far behind. You can’t build a solid, successful relationship on a foundation of lies and deceit and dishonesty. And why would you want to settle for a relationship that’s a house of cards when you are worthy of a strong, sturdy mansion? If you’re currently playing tug of war for your guy with another girl (or girls), let him go. Let her have him. You deserve better than someone who tosses away a diamond to go chase cubic zirconia.